Sometimes you come across an article that's just so irritating and irresponsible, it makes you question your own existence. Like, do I exist? Then how does this article exist as well?
Today, it's a piece on how to get hair that guys notice. It's the same fucking advice — long! straight! shiny! — and guess what? If you have hair, men will notice it. And just like women, all men have different preferences. And preferences are complicated and faulty, because they're mostly just societal norms pushed into our brains since forever. If we could clear our minds of all the stuff that tells us what's attractive, who knows what we'd actually prefer. Probably still shiny, because that signals "healthy" and healthy signals "LET'S POPULATE THE EARTH," so that's not surprising.
Everything else though? Bullshit. And articles that perpetuate those norms? Also bullshit. Don't listen to that garbage, because it's bastard talk and you cannot listen to its ass face.
Want to know how exactly crappy it is? Check out this passage:
Ponytails in general aren't most men's favorite hairstyle. They can make you look immature, uptight, and/or lazy, none of which are attractive qualities. But under the right circumstances, ponytails can be appealing!
lol what? With advice like that, who needs a mom? (Hi mom!)
Rad hair comes in all lengths, textures, styles, and sometimes it's not there at all. Wear your hair however the fuck you want. As someone who's experienced life missing patches of hair, the luxury of having hair at all is lucky. I don't care if you wear it in a pony tail coming out of your butthole (although, yeah I do, because you're a miracle of science), just do what you want.
However, if you really want a man to notice your hair, there are a few things you can do. Here's a handy dandy guide to the latest in sexy hairstyles that guys love.
The Pippi Longstocking. Make two side braids, and then hairspray them straight out of the sides of your head. You might need wire and some caulk, but this look is an eye catcher! (Monkey optional, he might distract from your hair/steal your date.)
Wear a high ponytail that looks as if it's sprouting out of your forehead. It's called the "unicorn flow", and dudes love it.
Imagine your face is a clock. A sexy clock. Now, fasten two ponytails, one at 2pm and the other at 8pm. Tease the two ponytails with a comb or a fork, and then hair spray them into place. You'll soon attract so many suitors, you'll have to beat them away with your ponytail.
Braid your bangs!
Have a trusted friend or paid professional shave your crushes initials the back of your hair. Trust is key here, you don't want some joker shaving "OW MY BALLS" onto the back of your head! Or, even worse, their initials! (Unless they're the cute boy you're crushing on. If so, good work.)
Get the exact same haircut and color as the guy you want to notice your hair. To make sure he extra notices your hair, steal some of his clothes and then do some of his movement backwards.
Tease your hair into the shape of a hamburger. (Men love hamburgers.)
Braid your hair into two beer koozies. (works as coffee sleeves if he's a teetotaler)
Now get out there and bag that man! You can thank me by inviting me to your wedding XO.
Images via Kamil Macniak, Darren Whitt, Sandra van der Steen, Anatoliy Samara, Everett Collection/ Shutterstock. The drawings are Laura (terrible ones) and her boyfriend (good ones).