This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we snort lines of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, everyone's been really busy. Brandi Glanville has a lot to say about her new surgically-enhanced vagina; Kanye West is Jon Snow; Nicki Minaj's boyfriend got a blow job in a closet from a porn star; and Mary-Kate Olsen is engaged to the half-brother of the former President of France.


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Ok!
"The Wedding Is Back On!"
Didn't know the wedding was off. Didn't know there was a wedding. This story says that Kristen and Rob have "sexy Skype sessions" and are "heading full-speed toward the altar," which means they should be there by the time you finish reading this sentence. If a brooding actor leaves LA at 7am traveling by a plane flying at 800mph, how long will it take for the Ok! editors to realize that this story is not a story and they've cried wolf so many times that now NO1CURR? Also inside: Britney wants another kid, a source says, because she is "trying to fill a void." That's what we should call pregnancy from now on. "Didja hear? Heather took a test and her void's filled." What else? Khloe is on hormone treatments and "looks pregnant" but it's just swelling from injections. And finally, Jennifer Aniston is planning a "mommy makeover" for after she gives birth, and since she's not even pregnant, this seems very cart before horse, no?
Grade: F (snorting Pixy Stix)


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Life & Style
"The Ultimate Betrayal"
Oh good, more blonde lady vs. blonde lady faux drama. Adrienne says her "nemesis" Brandi cozied up to her ex, plastic surgeon Dr. Paul Nassif, which is a blatant violation of girl code. The back and forth goes on for pages and pages I refused to read, but here's some gossip from a thinly disguised ad for Brandi's book masquerading as editorial: She's had an $11K breast augmentation, used Botox for 15 years, and had a $12K "vaginal rejuvenation" surgery that she charged to Eddie Cibrian's credit card after he left her for LeAnn Rimes. "Eddie knows that he has never touched the 'new' me, and that gives me so much joy!" Brandi squeals. Also inside: Bethenny is "trapped," "tortured" and "stuck in a living Hell" because her estranged husband Jason Hoppy won't move out of their apartment. Katy Perry was seen out drinking and dancing with Dominic Howard, the drummer from Muse. And finally, Britney Spears and Jason Trawick have broken up, but they are having plenty of ex sex, a source says: "They've seen each other multiple times."
Grade: D- (smoking Smarties)


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

In Touch
"Mom Is A Monster!"
Unfortunately, this cover story is not about how Kris Jenner is secretly a forked-tongue Godzilla-like lizard creature. Instead, it's part two of the "Kardashian Diaries," journals "obtained" by the magazine via Ellen Kardashian, widow of the late Robert Kardashian. The dead man's handwritten thoughts and private memos are printed in the mag, and it's all random shit that happened a long fucking time ago. Worse, the mag plans on doing this crap again next week in "part three." But! There are some fun old pictures, in which you can see Kim before her nose job (Fig. 1) Also inside: Bethenny is a "prisoner" in her own 3,400 square foot penthouse. Britney Spears has been confiding in K-Fed, because she needs someone to talk to, and ironically, he's been the stable one. Bradley Cooper has been dumped by model Laura Simpson: After a few dates, he kept asking her to text him pictures of her feet; a friend says, "It was weird, so she broke it off." Dancing With the Stars fans, be advised: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovsky are officially dating and in love. Last, but not least, "Did I Really Do That?" explains that Lady Gaga is an origami crane and Kanye West is Jon Snow. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D+ (vodka eyeballing)


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Us
"I'm Taking Our Baby!"
Bethenny was "shocked" when, after she filed for divorce, Jason also filed for divorce, asking for child support, primary custody, sole use of the penthouse, medical and dental coverage. Dramz all around. Also inside: After completing his tour of duty in Afghanistan, Prince Harry went on a 15-hour drinking bender. When questioned, yours truly quipped, "Who could blame him?" In seriously boring young Hollywood news, Selena Gomez goes to a monthly Bible study group in a Beverly Hills hotel's conference room; Vanessa Hudgens and E! correspondent Jason Kennedy are also members. More Brandi Glanville book promotion: Back when LeAnn and Eddie were shooting that Lifetime movie together, Brandi and LeAnn's husband Dean joined them on a sushi double date and Brandi saw how LeAnn was all over Eddie and said to Dean, "You know they're fucking, right?" Later she saw proof of the affair. Also, from Brandi's book:

"I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar. I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one… Now, every time I bend over at soccer practice and feel his eyes on my ass (yes, he still checks out my ass), I think, You'll never touch me again."

Brandi also says that after divorce, "white wine became a shoulder to lean on" and that LeAnn was relentless in her pursuit of Eddie: "She won. I'll give her that. But she also won a marriage full of doubt, insecurities and a perpetual voice in her head saying, Is he telling the truth? For that, I pity her." Boom. Finally, the story about Beyoncé's lip sync scandal claims that she "100% did sing," but belted along to a backing track that had her voice on it. Jay-Z has suggested she ignore what people are saying and move on, so she has thrown herself into Super Bowl rehearsals: "She knows she has to knock them dead now," says a source who has a knack for stating the obvious. "She'll make it a point to sing live."
Grade: C- (guzzling cough syrup and melted Jolly Ranchers)


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Star
"Divorce Bombshell"
Heard this one before. Kris and Bruce "didn't have sex for years," she's a cheater, they won't get divorced because it would damage the brand, but their marriage is miserable, etc. Also inside: Paris Jackson got an edgy new haircut and her grandmother is worried she's hanging with the wrong crowd and making bad decisions. Bubbles and the bones of the Elephant Man could not be reached for comment. Robert Pattinson has jetted off to Australia for a movie and told Kristen Stewart not to follow him, because he needs time to think. Headline: "Separated for good?" Selena is dating rawther handsome Aussie actor Luke Bracey, who is "older, hotter and so much more fun than" Justin Bieber. Forty-three year old Olivier Sarkozy has proposed to Mary-Kate Olsen with a $350,000 12-carat marquise-cut diamond ring, but she is 26 and in no rush to get married and tried to give the bauble back. He insisted she keep it and they are calling it a promise ring. As in, I promise to hold on to this until someone else comes along? Jessica Alba put her husband Cash Warren on a diet because she doesn't like his pot belly and man boobs. Nicki Minaj's boyfriend Safaree Samuels went to a party where everyone was on Ecstasy and propositioned a few women. One tells the mag: "He walked up to me, started putting his hands all over me, and asked, 'What's it going to take to fuck you?'" Charming. Another lady says: "He asked me, 'How can we get this going?'" Both turned him down, but another gentlewoman at the soirée, former porn star Beauty Dior, agreed to blow Samuels in a closet for $400. Alas! "When contacted by Star, Beauty Dior had no comment." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is being "haunted" by Brad Pitt, who is a ghost now, I guess? Burying the lede? Jen is seeing a therapist to get over Rusty Ryan, because she wants to marry Justin Theroux and walk down the aisle "emotionally unburdened." Good luck! Last, but not least: Jenelle Evans from Teen Mom had the "week from hell" in which she got into a physical altercation with her husband, accused him of cheating, had him accuse her of cheating, filed assualt charges against him, had a miscarriage, and announced she would file for divorce from him after being married for about 2 months. Man, all I did last week was shop online for flannel pajamas, how about you?
Grade: C (sipping cotton candy martini)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age

Fig. 1, from In Touch


This Week in Tabloids: Mary-Kate's Engaged to That French Dude Twice Her Age Fig. 2 , from In Touch