Helena Bonham Carter Is Trading In Her Acting Pantaloons for Full-Time Mom JeansS

Helena Bonham Carter — or, as Brad Pitt calls her on the Fight Club DVD commentary (which, just FYI, is WAY more entertaining than the actual movie), "the HBC" — has finally admitted that she's been living a lie — she cannot appear in major motion pictures AND raise Tim Burton's nightmare spawn, which means that the HBC might give up acting altogether.

"Juggling motherhood with acting is hard," she said, "and I'm dropping all the balls at the same time." Argh! Too many dick jokes to choose from, cannot compute. Does anyone else suspect that the HBC's kids are really just cloth Pygmalion dolls she and Tim Burton breathed life into with a magic bellows they found during a Halloween apple-picking trip in Sleepy Hollow? [Telegraph]

  • Speaking of British thespians and their offspring, 73-year-old funnywalker Basil Fawlty probably shouldn't have anymore kids with his fourth wife (31 years his junior) because having kids when you're old sucks. At least, that's what Fawlty's old comedy troupe buddy Terry Jones said in his inimitable old British lady voice. [Telegraph]
  • Jennifer Lawrence has pneumonia, which will quite conveniently help the young actress score some sympathy votes from the Academy. Seriously, though, pneumonia is some scary shit — best not to joke about it at all. [NYDN]
  • Burt Reynolds will probably be okay after a flu scare — he's been moved out of the ICU and into a wing of the regular, old hospital, next to all the kids faking scarlet fever to get out of their upcoming algebra tests. [TMZ]
  • The American public was scandalized after Beyoncé shot a shetland pony named Chauncy onstage lip-synced at the Presidential Inauguration. So, the singer responded the way any self-respecting pop icon would — she instagrammed a picture of herself wearing a comfy, cozy sweatshirt that reads, "Can I live?" Haterz gonna hate. [Us]
  • Canada has denied Randy Quaid's request for permanent resident status, proving that no one wants Cousin Eddie to park his RV outside their home. [AP via Yahoo]
  • Aw, you guys! Miley Cyrus still thinks her fiance Liam Hemsworth is attractive, which is super convenient because they're going to get married soon and no one wants to spend four to six years of their 20s with an uggo. [OMG]
  • Katy Perry's wax sculpture will come to life in the middle of the night, hide under your bed, and sing all of Mamma Mia! to you. [E!]
  • Anthropomorphized shitbucket Jeremy Shockey posted a picture of his estranged wife Daniela Cortazar-Shockey's haunches on the interweb, and she is really pissed about it, claiming that, by posting her butt pic, Shockey violated a privacy provision in the couple's prenup. [TMZ]
  • Good news, X-Men fans — Anna Paquin and Ellen Page are returning to the franchise that helped launch their big screen careers and reprising their roles as Rogue and Kitty Pryde in the upcoming X-Men: Days of Future Past. [Vulture]