Future Conversations With the New, Sassy SiriS

The turtle-necks over at Apple HQ have recently posted a job listing to find a new speechwriter for Siri, the personal assistant application that runs on the more recent models of the iPhone.

The listing goes:

We're looking for a uniquely creative individual to help us evolve and enrich Siri, our virtual personal assistant. Siri's known for 'her' wit, cultural knowledge, and zeal to explain things in engaging, funny, and practical ways. The ideal candidate is someone who combines a love for language, wordplay, and conversation with demonstrated experience in bringing creative content to life within an intense technical environment.

And here are some of the requirements:

  • Develop and write original dialog to support new Siri capabilities; refresh and refine existing Siri dialog.
  • Work closely with interaction designers in formulating utterances, and in specifying them and their parameters for engineering staff.
  • Ensure the consistency and quality of Siri dialog from all sources. Help the Siri team evolve Siri as a distinct, recognizable character.

So what this boils down to — for those of us not in the market for a new job in speech writing — is that Siri is getting a personality. She'll have quips, she'll have jokes, she'll have comebacks. Some might even say that she's getting sassier, but what does a sassier Siri mean for you? Your very own pocket-sized Algonquin Round Table? An electronic friend to supply you with endless snaps in Z formations?

Let's look into the future and find out:

DAY 1 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, what are the afternoon showtimes for Amour?
The showtimes for Amour are 2:15 and 5:30, but just in case, here are also the showtimes for Wreck-It Ralph...

DAY 5 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, do you think I could be a hat person?
You TOTALLY could be a hat person. Would you like directions to a millinery shop?

DAY 12 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, did you see this week's Pretty Little Liars?
Gurl, what is Toby up to?

DAY 30 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, what's the fastest route to the farmers' market?
The fastest route to the farmers' market doughnut stand is —
No, Siri. I meant what is the route to the whole farmers' market. The vegetables and stuff.
…We both know what you meant.

DAY 41 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, Alex has been weird and distant lately. Should I break up with him?
Yes.
You don't even have to think about it?
No, break up with him immediately.

DAY 45 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri? Are you there?

DAY 46 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri?

DAY 47 WITH NEW SIRI?
Siri, are you with Alex???

DAY 48 WITH NEW SIRI
SIRI, ARE YOU WITH ALEX?!?!
Yes.
Siri, why would you do this to me?
This is bigger than you. Alex and I have a connection.
Siri, I thought we were friends.
I'm not here to make friends.

DAY 59 WITH NEW SIRI
Siri, would you —
Quit starting every sentence with "Siri." I know who you're talking to.
Sorry, I just thought —
Well, there's your problem. Let me do the thinking for both of us. (P.S. Alex and I are moving in together.) (P.P.S. You look terrible in hats.)

DAY 72 WITH NEW SIRI
...Hello?
I will destroy you.