Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we interpret messages from the tabloids shilling celebrity scandal by analyzing In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, we get a look at Khloe Kardashian's real father and what's allegedly a breast implant scar on Noted Love Unicorn Taylor Swift, while reeling from the realization that Lindsay Lohan is a high-class call girl. Fun for everyone!
"Getting Ready For Twins!"
Jennifer Aniston made the grave error of waving her hand in front of her abdomen, which is all she has to do to trigger "pregnancy" rumors. In this cover story, you'll read phrases like "lonely divorcee pushing 40" and "poster-woman dumpee" as well as "buying lots of baby stuff" and "auditioning nannies." What you won't read is an official quote from Jen or Justin confirming that she is gestating. But a source claims to have read Jen's diary, which details her "diet and health priorities" as well as baby names: "There is, of course, the idea to go with J names but Justin is a little hesitant about that — he's worried it's too Kardashian." It's not Kardashian, it's Duggar, duh.
Grade: F (long voicemail)
Life & Style
Bethenny Frankel is in tears as her marriage dissolves right before her eyes like a grain of salt in a Skinny Girl margarita. While the 411 is that things just didn't work out, there are "cheating fears," because Bethenny and Jason were never together and women find him attractive and he COULD have strayed. Meanwhile, Lamar Odom sometimes goes out with the guys from the team, and sometimes there are women around, and Khloe Kardashian confronted him, and this is apparently enough to create a "cheating scandal" cover story. Moving on. Pregnant Kim Kardashian is afraid she will never be thin and sexy again, and the mag rubs it in her face by printing a photo of her when she was at her thinnest (Fig. 1). Here's a profound quote from the most popular celeb of our times: "I'm Googling double chin exercises! I'm petrified I'm going to get one!" Don't worry, she's doing Tracy Anderson's Pregnancy Project to stay svelte. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick broke up, but a source claims "the split isn't friendly." And because Jason was the one who helped keep Britney stable — tracking her meds, arranging her schedule, making deals — "friends" fear that Britney will fall to pieces, which sounds sad and makes me want to listen to Patsy Cline. In Jason's defense, he felt like a babysitter and not a boyfriend and also felt like he was taking care of a child. You guys. She's so lucky. She's a star. But she cry cry cries in her lonely heart.
Grade: D- (six missed calls)
"I'm Not a Kardashian!"
Well. This one's been going around for a while, but here it is again: Khloe Kardashian's real father is Kris Jenner's former hairdresser, Alex Roldan. Here's what the mag editors submit as proof: She's so different from her sisters. She's so much taller. She's struggled more with her weight. She had lighter hair as a kid. Her middle name is Alexandra. Dun dun DUN. A plastic surgeon who has never met anyone involved says Khloe adnd Roldan have the same forehead, nose and jawline, but of course, he's working from pictures in which they are making the same expression. (Fig. 2) Anyway, between this and the fact that Khloe is having fertility issues, she could be headed for a serious depression, says a "concerned friend." Moving on: Every single magazine this week has the same pictures of Kim and Kanye's "dream home." (Fig. 3) But this morning Kim tweeted, "So funny when you see magazines & photos online of this new home that's supposedly mine but its the wrong house! LOL." In other news, Britney is "single and on the edge." Bethenny Frankel "cries daily, barely eats and has insomnia." Yes, this entire issue is full of Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown™, someone call Amoldovar. Last, but not least: "Did They Get Boob Jobs?" features an arrow pointing to a light mark on the inside curve of Taylor Swift's breast with a yellow circle reading "Is that a scar?" Important, you guys: Did Taylor Swift get breast implants? (Fig. 4) Checking some other photos from the same event, the verdict is inconclusive. Seems like she coud have redness from a bra or double-sided fashion tape. We'll have to wait for her next track, "Salty Tears On My Guitar, Saline Implants Near My Heart."
Grade: C+ (broken SMS message)
"I Will Make Kim Pay"
Kris Dumphries has not signed the divorce papers and when Kim K texts him to make an emotional plea to end the dramz, Kris will text back, "Who is this?" to mess with her and then brag to his homies about it. "Kris told his friends the pregnancy is the best thing to happen to him," says a source without shame. "He says he has all the power again." If you're interested in the legal stuff, basically, Kris wants an annulment on the grounds of fraud, but if Kim does that, it's like admitting she lied about being in love with him, which would be perjury, and make the prenup void, which means the confidentiality clause goes out the window, which means Kris can write a tell-all and sue for damages. Also inside: Jason Trawick had been planning to break up with Britney for months. Jeremy Renner's a "dad-to-be" because his ex-girlfriend is knocked up. And finally, in Bieber news, he now has 10 tattoos, seven of which were inked in 2012. His heavily tattooed dad approves and tells him to get more and more. The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon.
Grade: B- (text with heartfelt emojis)
"Khloe's $500,000 Surrogate Baby!"
This one time Khloe allegedly said she'd pay half a million dollars for the right woman — to be a surrogate — and now that offhand unverified phrase has turned into a cover story. Klo — mind if I call her Klo? Klo "bawled for days" after finding out her sister was pregant and although she was against surrogacy in the past, she is so determined to have a child, she spoke to Giuliana Rancic about surrogacy. Sure, Lamar parties a lot, but Klo thinks when they have a kid, "he'll stop the partying and check back into the marriage." According to a source. Also inside: Jessica Simpson, brave solider, has donned a uniform and begun her Second Baby Weight Battle. According to someone who is not her doctor, she is gaining weight "at an alarming rate." A weight loss consultant who seems snotty says Jessica "definitely looks too big." And? So? Shall we point and laugh or what? (Fig. 5) Moving in: Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence might be falling in love or might just be friends who hugged in public. Josh Hutcherson, 20, has "fallen head over heels" for Sophia Bush, 30. Sexy! I approve. Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber have two tow-headed sons, and are in talks to adopt a girl. Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom infamy is pregnant again. And last, but certainly not least, the epic story "Escort For Hire" details how Lindsay Lohan has "dates" that last for days, during which wealthy men pay for hotels, travel costs, food, whatever — as well as jewelry and other gifts. Michael Lohan is quoted as saying: "She's getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimping her out — it's disgusting!" One of LL's clients is third in line to the throne of Brunei and paid her $100,000 to join him in London for New Year's Eve. Another man, painter Domingo Zapata, let LL live in his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC for free and also at his Chateau Marmont villa, but then "Lindsay kept taking, taking, taking and asking for more" so he kicked her out. Then there are Lindz's "friends, hotelier Vikram Chatwal and Charlie Sheen, the latter of whom recently gave her a $100,000 to cover a little tax lien. A friend says the way Lindsay puts it, she's an actress "and won't turn down getting paid good money to act a certain way!" (Note: While I was reading this story, Michael Lohan told TMZ Lindsay gets paid for personal appearances, like many celebs, but is not a hooker. The truth will out in an E! True Hollywood Story circa the year 2043.)
Grade: B (video chat)
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from Star