32-year-old Portland resident Caleb Grotberg was arrested around 2:30am yesterday morning, after police received a call alerting them to a domestic dispute in which Grotberg allegedly physically assaulted his girlfriend and attempted to choke her with one of his stanky-as-fuck dreadlocks. The woman was then brought to the hospital where she was treated for "numerous, non-life-threatening injuries." Grotberg, who may or may not be the same guy that insistently kept asking you for money to score some "horse" at last year's Bonnaroo, was taken into custody and will be arraigned on charges of kidnapping, assault, menacing, strangulation, and domestic violence later today.
Jesus Christ, Caleb Grotberg! First of all, your name is perfectly horrible. I have never seen a more Caleb-y looking Grotberg in all my life and I grew up in a city full of hippies and gutter punks so that's saying something. Secondly, while we don't know all of the details of your arrest, I think it's safe to say, judging by your extensive list of charges, that you are a mega asshole. And not like the kind of asshole who talks too loudly on his phone or who refuses to give up his seat for a pregnant lady on the bus. No, you are the kind of asshole who, well, you're the kind of asshole who uses his own dready to choke his girlfriend.
This poor woman has already suffered the indignity of dating a white guy with dreads. Couldn't that have been enough?