Looking to comfort yourself after yet another underwhelming-to-terrible New Year's Eve? (Unless, of course, you had a great one in which case, congratulations, you beautiful rare bird you.) Try to have some perspective. Surely, there's a person out there who had a worse New Year's than you. Probably even a whole group of people. Maybe even an entire television station worth of people. Like, for example, KDOC, a local Los Angeles tv station that managed to put on the most disastrous New Year's Eve spectacle of the decade, if not of all time. If you managed to beat that, then you win. You really had the worst New Year's and I am sorry.
But let's rap about KDOC, whose intentions I'm sure were great. "Look," I imagine the producer saying. "New York has the Ball Drop with Ryan Seacrest and Taylor Swift. Everyone expects them to have impressive celebrities, but we're Los Angeles. We're the land of stars. We can hold our own New Year's celebration with famous people galore and everyone will be all 'New York City who?' Who's available to host? Name any name. No appearance fee is to high. What? Jamie Kennedy is available? Great. Let's do this."
What went wrong? So much went wrong that it almost feels like they were trying to make everything go wrong. First and foremost, they had a celebrity lineup that would have felt tired and dated in 1999. In addition to Kennedy — who was dressed as a 1960's serial killer — they had American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth, Macy Gray and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. There were countless errors in production and editing, an awkward Carl's Jr. tie-in and a depressingly slim-yet-rowdy crowd of drunks as their live audience. Top it all off with some racially-charged sexual harassment by Kennedy and a full-on physical brawl between a man and a woman and — wouldn't you know it — you've got a nightmarish New Year's Eve stew on!
Things can only get better in 2013.