Here's a thing I won't be doing in 2013: Stiletto workouts, the technically-still-a-virgin-if- you-don't-count-in-the-butt cousin of the pole dancing workout. The minds behind the workout claim it's "empowering," which I suppose it kind of is, if you're the sort of person who is empowered by thongs with sassy sayings on them, or fuzzy hot pink hand cuffs or running shorts that say PINK across the butt. Empower-licious! ®
According to a workout instructor quoted in an unintentionally hilarious (by "hilarious," I mean "invoking laughter as a fear response") piece in the Times, Stiletto workouts give women the chance to work out "in a sexy way." Finally! A chance for women to be seen as sexy for once! I'm sitting at home, with these boobs and this ass, looking around at my TV and magazines and stuff and I'm just dying to see women portrayed in a sexual way. I take my headphones off while I walk to the train not so I stay alert, but so I can be ever vigilant for the rare catcall. Please, see me as sexual, world! Thank god for sexy workouts!!!!!!11!
The class presents itself as part-tutorial for high heel aficionados, part core-strengthening, posture-improving girl power seshes. The Times notes, incredulously, that there have been no injuries among participants yet, that some participants compare the workout to ballet and claim that it has helped them walk better in heels. But, counterpoint: if you want to run around while wearing leg-elongating shoes, I have one word for you: wedges. Or that annual stiletto race in Russia.
Goofiness of this class aside, I can't fault people for wanting to stay active. Just, you know, don't break your damn ankles in the pursuit of fitness. That seems kind of counterproductive.