Yeah, I get that making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop empire is a bit 2009 (vintage!), but the thing is that she just keeps doing stuff. I'm supposed to stop making fun of her just because we already made fun of her a bunch some other time? When she insists on continuing to do hilarious stuff? NNNNNOPE, SORRY. I find it impossible to really dislike Gwyneth—she seems genuinely sweet, plus Chris Martin was so utterly delightful on Extras—but I still think she's goofy as hell. Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world's best comedy. And making fun of her is pretty much a victimless crime because she's literally the queen of earth and space. So let us commence.
2012 was a super exciting year for
Stacey McGill oops Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood oops La Llorona oops sexy shaved wampa oops a glancing sunbeam oops Lady Amalthea oops that chick from the Orbit commercial oops Jadis and/or the Lady of the Green Kirtle oops a pile of Celtic sea salt with a wig on it oops Gwedgar Winter oops GWYN-DOGG (sorry about all the typos; my fingers are stuck together with royal jelly and spider honey)—she discovered a sensitivity to oats, upgraded from regular shoes to golden shoes, and went beyond yoga. Let's take a look back at 2012's most memorable goops.
Gwynnie likes to start the year out strong with a bunch of diarrhea, so she and her house-shaman developed something called "the goop cleanse." It's like a regular cleanse, but goopier. It costs $425. Goop rhymes with poop.
In April, Gwyneth went to the food sensitivity doctor and received some troubling news:
"A recent and very in-depth food sensitivity test (which you can learn more about here) revealed – surprise, surprise – that I'm sensitive to dairy, gluten, wheat, corn and oats, making breakfast all the more challenging."
No worries, though, just mix some chia seeds with warm water and no seasoning and eat it.
There you go. Food. Put a berry on it. You love it. Eat it. EAT IT.
Another great "food" Gwyneth's doctor recommends is powdered pea protein mixed with unsweetened vanilla almond milk and xylitol to taste. You know, natural. Like the cavemen used to eat.
Like, do whatever special powder-diet you want—I'm not here to shame anyone's food game and I also enjoy a smoothie—but maybe you wouldn't have quite so many debilitating food sensitivities if you didn't insist on forcibly laundering your digestive system several times a year? Your body already has a system for cleansing itself. It's called your body. And has it occurred to anyone that "sensitivities" to "toxins" might be more accurately diagnosed as a "sensitivity" to having too much fucking time and money on your hands? (lol @ "toxins.")
Or, who knows, maybe all the rich people in the world simultaneously and spontaneously became allergic to every single common food. That seems totally plausible too.
For those of us who will be in or passing through any one of the Hamptons this summer, we've compiled a best of. And for those of you who aren't/don't/don't care, check out our Turkish towel collaboration (I'm obsessed with these towels).
Certainly. If you're one of the very few people who won't be swinging by the Hamptons for a repurposed mason jar filled with artisanal mung bean cleanse, just pick up some $240 towels as a hostess gift for the governess of whatever filthy orphanage you call home!
This is the ONLY one-shoulder top you'll ever need for going beyond yoga.
Bonus: Golden shoe! It costs $750 and it's made of "bold gold leather." (Bargain alternative: A $7.50 version made of "Rold Gold leather." Doubles as a snack for your picnic on Hampstead Heath. [WARNING: MADE IN A FACILITY THAT PROCESSES GLUTEN AND EMPLOYS RENTERS.])
Striving for achieving a sense of perfection has been a misguided belief in my life, often leading me down the wrong path. It has made me, at times, place value on the wrong things. It has made me not listen to my true self for fear that I would somehow fail in another's eyes. I was curious as to how the idea of perfection has become so pervasive in our society, how it begins, how it hurts us and perhaps, even, if it carries a certain benefit.
I'm not sure I need a lecture about the dangers of perfection from a website that advocates buying a $10 porcelain fortune cookie for each guest at your Michaelmas feast (then everyone can smash them for jollies in between the butler races and the money-eating contest!). But okay. I guess I don't disagree?
That's just a lot to take in. A loooooooooot to take in.
Oh also, in this section, Gwyneth talks about how she got "bee venom therapy" and it cured all of her ailments, so you should probably buy and then glug this $78 "single-varietal raw honey flight."
See Gwyneth get ready for the Oscars! See Gwyneth try on jewels! See Gwyneth grant three wishes to a member of our Armed Forces with the power of her hair! See Gwyneth be kind of confused about the meaning of "punk rock"! I really do adore her. LOOK AT HER LITTLE FACE.
Goop you very much, Gwyn. LYLAS. Don't ever stop. (Add your own favorite 2012 goops in the comments. I didn't even get INTO the bird-shaped smoke detector that's a perfect "gift for guys" because I got so excited I had to go lie down.)