Bone for The Holidays: A Guide to Hooking Up at Your Parents' HouseS

Are you bored at home in the suburbs because you've already eaten your parents' stash of fancy crackers and watched every decent movie On Demand? Why not have some no-strings-attached holiday sex to pass the time? Let us help you orchestrate that.

1. Select a partner(s).

You can't have holiday break sex by yourself (I mean, you could, but that involves significantly less planning and then you wouldn't need this crucial guide), so first you have to decide who you're going to invite back to your pink canopied bed with the Lisa Frank dolphin stickers still stubbornly stuck to the headboard.

Write down the names of all of your exes who are also home for the holidays and whom you do not despise/still have complicated feelings for. You should also include a few would-be paramours: what about that babely friend you always had a crush on in high school but figured was way too cool for you because you were an insecure teen? Look at you now! You're so cool. Also, chances are he is still living at home and blogging part-time for his mom's website. The playing field has likely leveled in your favor.

Get to work figuring out if the people on your list are still single by utilizing Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/your most gossipy childhood friends. For clarity's sake, let's pretend you've narrowed the list down to Steve, the dude you hooked up with for a few weeks the summer after your sophomore year of college when you were both working at American Apparel. God, that summer sucked. But Steve looked super cute in Triblend!

Now you have to figure out a way to ask Steve to hang out without making your intentions pathetically obvious, because you don't want to be creepy if he's not down, but you do want to be clear enough so that he will know you're down, if he is also down. This takes skill.

No, not really. Send him this text/email/Facebook message:

Heeey Steve. How are you doing? I haven't been home in forever* and just [came across an old photo of us wearing matching neon headbands/thought about that time we got high in the stock room/remembered when we caught our manager jerking off to leotard ads in the bathroom/etc.]** Are you around?*** You should give me a call if so!

*Lie. You were home a few weeks ago, for Thanksgiving, but that was before you got dumped.
**Probably a lie.
***Lie. You know exactly where he is, probably thanks to the same social media site you are using to reach him. But it's more fun to pretend!

2. Pick a meet-up spot.

Why not ask Steve to meet you at one of the local bars that didn't know existed when you actually lived in the area? There could be some awesomely divey ones just down the block. Or you could take him to one of your old make out spots from high school and then giggle nostalgically about old memories, which can now lead to new ones! Sample anecdote: "Once I got a curfew ticket for hanging out here after 10 p.m.!" (Feel free to borrow that one if you weren't a rebel like me who hung out at skate parks in the San Fernando Valley.)

3. Seal the deal.

This is where you drop whatever advantages your childhood home has to offer. Does your dad have a great stash of medical marijuana? Did your mom make chocolate chip cookies from scratch? Do you own a Nintendo 64?

Hopefully you remembered to hide anything embarrassing in advance: awkward camp photos, Rent posters, an old pair of RocketDog platform sandals.

Also, make sure you have condoms that aren't from high school because those are most definitely expired.

4. Get them out in the morning.

Last night was great! Or, alternately, maybe you forgot that Steve thinks hickeys are the sexiest, talks in his sleep, and has Tupac's face tattooed on his very pale bicep. Either way, you probably need to get him out of your place without drawing that much attention to yourself, because it will be awkward if your father runs into Steve while he's walking down the hallway in a very old robe that shows a tad too much of his boxer briefs for comfort. (Your dad, that is, not Steve.)

Have a getaway plan. Is there a back entrance? A window? A doggie door? Remember to turn the alarm off as you silently push Steve out of your family abode with a kiss and a promise to let him know the next time you're back in town. Yeah, right.

Got any more tips? Let us know.


Image via Paul Matthew Photography/Shutterstock.