Sexytime Talk: Rank Vaginas, Butt Stuff, and Other Rigid RequirementsS

Whether it's your first time or your 500th, sometimes sex can throw you for a loop. Sometimes that's part of the fun; other times, you're left scratching your head. Luckily, our resident sexpert Karley Sciortino - AKA Slutever - is here to help. Got a sex question for her? Email her at slutever@jezebel.com.

If I'm being honest, my vagina doesn't smell all that nice all the time. I get so self-conscious when boys put their faces down there. Like when you get wet, doesn't it just smell and taste rank?!

xoxo Stacey

Once I was dating this random guy, aka my current boyfriend, and he was like, "I don't want to go down on you because I don't like the way your vagina smells," and I was like, FUCK YOU you misogynistic prick, you are either gay or stupid, and as an empowered Jeze-woman I will not stand for this!" And then a few weeks later I went to the gyno for a checkup and found out I had bacterial vaginosis, and I was all... Oh, shit.

Having a vagina can be really stressful. Being a girl basically means that at any given time you have a combination pack of vaginal antifungal creams in your bathroom cabinet, and that more than once in your lifetime you've thrown out a pair of bloody underwear in a public bathroom (or out the window of a moving car?) in order to prevent the random you were fucking from seeing your stained undergarments. Sometimes it gets so stressful that you want to just give up — like, "WTF is this bleeding, burning, yeast factory between my legs, and why does it feel so stingy when I pee?!" However, when everything in your vaj is operating smoothly, and your pH balance is normal, it tends to smell and taste pretty nice down there. Not all girls are the same, and different times of the menstrual cycle can result in changes in taste and smell, but if your crotch is "rank," as you say, then it probs means there is a problem. Like infection vibes.

So, what's the happs with your pH balance, yo? Does your crotch smell like a fish explosion? If so, you may have bacterial vaginosis (BV), which means your pH balance is f'd up. Go to the doctor and get checked out. (Or if you don't have a doctor, RePhresh is an over-the-counter vaginal gel that will restore normal pH. In Europe, it's actually approved to treat BV. Additionally, Pro-B is a daily oral probiotic lactobacillus that helps to maintain the normal amount of vaginal lactobacilli. #information) Or if that's not it, then does your discharge look like cottage cheese? If so, you probs have yeast infection, which is not glamorous, however it's easily curable with over-the-counter meds, and therefore pretty nbd. Although you might also have Gonorrhea or Chlamydia or Trichomoniasis. IDK!

Alternatively, maybe you just need to take a shower, you dirty bitch. Like most girls, I went through a phase where I dated lots of "rock n' roll" guys who didn't shower much, and their dicks did not taste like ice cream, that's for sure. A little soap and water goes a long way.

I'm a cisgendered, bisexual female in my 20s. I've had sexual relations with one guy and one girl so far in my life, but I'm wondering if I should just stick with girls. You see, when I have sex, I like to pretend I'm a guy. I like the feeling of being the "dominant" one that takes care of the other partner. My favorite position with the guy I slept with was him under me, face down, and me giving him anal sex (like two gay dudes). I know I'm not transgendered, but I also know that I don't enjoy when a guy is going into me. It doesn't hurt, but I think it's boring. I need more clit stimulation. But how possible do you think it is to find a dude who wouldn't mind getting f***ed in the ass, but wouldn't be able to f*** me (because I wouldn't want him to)? Do you think that's too "rigid" a requirement?

Thanks, Caroline

What's cisgendered? Wait never mind, I just Googled it. Hmm... I would say that you should not rule out men, because why limit your sexual possibilities if you don't have to? And of course I think it's possible to find men who want to be railed by you.

Think of it this way: there are lots of people out there who are way bigger freaks than you. Some people can only get-off from being locked in a cage and peed on by Japanese schoolgirls. Other people live their lives pretending to be horses, sleeping in barns and chewing on hay. And they still manage to find people to love them and fuck them. Sure, the average guy you meet at a college bar might not be down for being ass-fucked by you, but there are plenty of submissive guys out there who would die to have a young hottie like you shove a fist inside his rectum.

Hot tip: the internet is fantastic place to find weirdos. You should join some fetish forums! Fetlife.com and Collarme.com are two popular fetish social media sites (I've met some of my best and scariest friends on those sites!), but there are gazillions more, many of which offer a rich community of extremely friendly, caring people who are honestly looking to meet like-minded creeps.

Essentially, I think you should just go with the flow, and not worry about creating mental boundaries for yourself. Fuck who you want to, when you want to. Having sex with girls is great, because girls are like boys, but with the added bonus of boobs, and minus the dick, which as you said doesn't even feel that good anyway (for most people — chill out). But why omit half of the world's population as potential fuck-buddies if you don't have to? Also, you've only slept with two people, which means you're practically still a virgin. Who knows, maybe one day you will meet a man with a magical dick that will inspire your vaginal canal to be more sociable. Also, clit stimulation and dick penetration are not mutually exclusive. Try touching yourself while a guy fucks you, duh. The ‘clit rubbing' part makes the ‘penis ramming' part feel less boring.

Hi! I'm a twenty-something dude who likes other dudes. There's one in particular who I like him a whole bunch, and we fool around and it's generally awesome and fun. I feel really comfortable and safe with him so I'm thinking I want to do butt-related activities this coming New Years Eve. Should I bring it up now and see if he's at all interested, but forego any sexy, spur of the moment champagne-infused suggestion when we're (hopefully) already naked? Or should I wait and surprise him with the idea?

Timothy

OK, I think you should bring up the butt activities, but in a way that's sort of vague and aloof and that doesn't make that much sense. This way you can allude to the idea, but without having to formally request advanced permission (and therefore foregoing the sexy spontaneity).

A good way to be vague and aloof and confusing via text is to insert lots of quotation marks into sentences for no reason. For example: ‘The baby used "balloons" full of "heroin" as pillows to "slumber" on.' What does that sentence mean, exactly? Well, we're not entirely sure, because the quotation marks disguise the meanings of the words so it's hard to tell if they really mean what they mean, you know what I mean?

Send him a text that says something like: "I guess "new years" would be the time for "butt stuff" if that's what they were "into." He won't fully understand this, and so will have to spend time thinking about and considering it, and thus the NYE butt-related activities idea will no doubt infiltrate his brain.

Or, alternatively, since you're really comfortable with him, you could just casually say, "It would be really hot to fuck you in the ass." Or whatever, up to you.


Image via Alexander Raths/Shutterstock.