To the chagrin of high school teachers across America, Baz Luhrmann's glamorous, color-saturated adaptation of The Great Gatsby will soon offer a fun shortcut for 10th grade English classes trying to slog through Fitzgerald's classic. And it'll have Jay-Z songs in it!

Six pretty art-deco-y posters of the main characters have been released, and to honor the book's place on syllabi everywhere, we have an imaginary conversation with a pretend high-schooler about each character's role in the masterpiece. Or, like, up to page 27, which is about as far as most kids get.

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That's the one who plays tennis. Jordin Sparks, right?

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Her name's Jordan Baker, actually.

Oh, yeah. Is that gonna be on the test?

I have no idea who this dude is, but I think that's the guy from Warrior.

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Yes! Joel Edgerton, playing the book's antagonist, Tom Buchanan.

Warrior was awesome.

I agree.

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You know what would make West Egg way cooler?

What?

Mixed martial arts ahaha :DDDDD >:D

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If you say so.

This is that sad-ass lady, Myrtle Wilson. She actually reminds me of my mom, kinda.

I'm not gonna touch that. But in real life this actress is married to Sacha Baron Cohen.

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You know what would make West Egg actually WAY WAY cooler is Borat, LOLOL.

Hey.

What?

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I'm getting bored.

We're almost done.

How does it feel when you do sex to a person?

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I'll tell you when you're older.

How long is this movie gonna be?

Oh, a goodly few hours, why?

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I dunno. Is there a Wishbone of it? Maybe I'll just watch the Wishbone.

There's not, unfortunately.

OK, and that's the guy who goes at the end, like... "'Tis a far, far better thing I do, than I have ever done in my life," or whatever.

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Um, nope! That's from A Tale of Two Cities.

Whatever. Can I go sit in the mall food court with my friends for 6 hours now?

Yes.