I'm not totally sure why this holiday ad for The Cheesecake Factory bothers me as much as it does, but let's try to get to the bottom of it because it's driving me nucking futs.

The obvious:

1) If you're gonna show drabby sad-faced Manhattan Philadelphia like it's the beginning of Joe vs. the Volcano, then you need to have some real payoff when the dystopia turns sparkly and happy. The payoff in this commercial is some fucking scented balloons. The Cheesecake Factory, you're not feeding the city's homeless population a delicious holiday feast and you're not personally delivering joy into anyone's heart. You're giving them a fucking scented balloon to pop as advertisement for your terrible restaurant, so stop acting like you fucking saved Christmas!

2) Which, yeah, a balloon with essential oils in it isn't a real gift, stop pretending that you're lighting up anyone's life! You are not lighting up shit, except for maybe the ozone layer with your chemical death ballons.

3) Does it bother anyone else that TCF's actual cheesecake — the one they sell for money and is allegedly made from real ingredients — smells exactly like some chemical scent they sprayed in a balloon? I guess it's not so bad for the flavored varieties, but it's fairly repulsive for the cheesecake one. How is it chemically possible to recreate that real cheesecake scent unless the actual cheesecake has hella funk and preservatives and unnaturalness in it? Shouldn't it just taste/smell like ingredients? And not like food science?

Listen, I love eating a salad the size of my torso just like anyone who's been beaten down by a day of mall hell, and so I love The Cheesecake Factory, but no, a Lisa Frank-style scented balloon is not bringing the holiday season to nobody. Plus, balloons are just hella wasteful, kill birds, and aren't we experiencing a helium shortage?

I strongly dislike when companies attempt to bottle hope and goodness and use it to sell their shitty wares. Like they're doing community service or some shit? If The Cheesecake Factory had been like, "Here's some stinky balloons we made people pop! What fun!" I'd be more down. This is a shitty ad stunt, you didn't turn anyone's frown upside down, TCF! In fact, you might've made my frown even DOWNER.

I might be over/under thinking this.

I'm off to drink some peppermint schnapps and cry myself into a nap under the fake Christmas tree. BAH HUMBUG!