Expert Shit-Talker Donald Trump Sues Miss Pennsylvania for Talking ShitS

Donald Trump has succesfully sued former Miss Pennsylvania Sheena Monnin for defaming his Miss Universe pageant by claiming the whole contest was rigged. The case went to arbitration and a very fair-minded judge ordered Monnin to pay the totally reasonable sum of $5 million to Donald's humble org. Just to put this amount into context, the average payout from the September 11th Fund was $1.8 million.

In a statement, Trump said, "We cannot allow a disgruntled contestant to make false and reckless statements which are damaging to the many people who have devoted their hearts and souls to the Miss Universe, Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageant systems....While I feel very badly for Sheena, she did the wrong thing. She was really nasty, and we had no choice. It is an expensive lesson for her."

Poor Trump. If anyone knows about defamation, it's Donald, who dabbles in it almost daily. I'd like to do my own arbitration on some of Trump's most egregious cases; just imagine me wearing a judicial robe while I dish out some fines.

Rosie O'Donnell vs. Trump:
Trump called O'Donnell "a fat pig" and "slob," who is "disgusting — both inside and out."
Fine: $100,000

Gloria Allred vs. Trump:
Trump offered to show her his penis and saying, "I think she'd be very impressed." (I just threw up in my mouth.)
Fine: $200,000

Barack Obama vs. Trump:
Trump said, "I have a birth certificate. People have birth certificates. He doesn't have a birth certificate. He may have one but there is something on that birth certificate — maybe religion, maybe it says he's a Muslim, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want that. Or, he may not have one," and "I have a birth certificate. People have birth certificates. He doesn't have a birth certificate. He may have one but there is something on that birth certificate — maybe religion, maybe it says he's a Muslim, I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want that. Or, he may not have one."
Fine: $500,000

The United States v Trump:
Trump tweeted on election night, "We can't let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty," and, "Our nation is totally divided! Lets fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us. This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!" And then:"Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble…like never before. Our nation is a once great nation divided! The electoral college is a disaster for a democracy."
Fine: $1 million

"The Blacks" v Trump:
Trump claimed he's "always had a good relationship with the blacks" (untrue on its face, given that he calls them "the blacks").
Fine: $1.5 million

But Trump's crimes aren't limited to defamation. I order that Trump do community service and undergo counseling for saying the following about his daughter: "She does have a very nice figure. I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." Because that's just creepy.