Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we frolic through the tabloid forest in search of merry critters bearing gossip. This week, Eva Longoria is dating a political figure; Jennifer Aniston is having twins again; Bethenney Frankel is getting divorced; and Britney Spears is off her meds. Lay yourself down on the mossy banks of the bubbling brook and let's do this.
"Yes, I'm Pregnant — With Twins!"
Please do not be shocked when you open this magazine and find that there are NO DIRECT QUOTES from Jennifer Aniston. Merely this sentence: "Friends say Jen is not only pregnant at last, but that she and fiancé Justin Theroux are expecting twins — a boy and a girl." An "insider" claims her fertility treatments worked, Jennifer Aniston does not utter the words "Yes, I'm pregnant." BTW! Star had this exact same cover line in December 2011. And before that, in 2008, when Jen was supposedly incubating John Mayer's twins. Even if she does have a fetus a-cookin' — multiple mags are saying so — this "quote" is not a quote.
Grade: F (vulture)
Life & Style
"She Said 'No'!"
At the end of November, Star magazine claimed that that Scott "American Psycho" Disick proposed to Kourtney Kardashian on a bridge in Paris, and she said yes, and their wedding would be televised. This cover story claims that Scott popped the question in Miami, it was not filmed, and Kourtney said no. She doesn't want to be engaged. Moving on! Taylor Swift might come between Harry Styles and "his band," One Direction, because they're going on tour in February, and if Harry tries to see TSwizzle between shows, he could end up tired and jet lagged and RUIN EVERYTHING. A source insists they will break up before the tour begins. Katy Perry and John Mayer were spotted being "quite affectionate," but what she doesn't know is that he has a jumpoff on the side. He and this mystery lady — whom he's been seeing since early 2011 — meet "frequently," just for sex, and they sext each other constantly. A source says Katy will be devastated if she finds out — and wouldn't it be terrible if she found via Life & Style? Next: Lamar Odom isn't wearing his wedding ring anymore, dun dun DUN. Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson might buy the $13.5 million mansion currently owned by Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Barbara Plavin, the Victoria's Secret model Justin Bieber flirted with backstage during the fashion show in November, posted a picture of herself in front of Beebs's tour bus in Miami earlier this week. Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy are getting divorced. And lastly, Bradley Cooper is "ready" to propose to Zoë Saldana. Hate to lose him, but she's so great.
Grade: D (badger)
"The Rings Are Off!"
Lamar Odom went out and failed to take his wedding band with him, which "humiliated" Khloe, because jewelry has power! Meanwhile, Bethenny Frankel has also stopped wearing her wedding ring, and a source claims she's told husband Jason Hoppy that "they are done." She's meeting with lawyers and is "embarrassed," because she hates to fail. Also, since she made $120 million off of her cocktail line, there are millions at stake. Also inside: Taylor Swift is "breaking up the band" by dating Harry Styles; a sidebar compares her to Yoko Ono, Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, who destroyed The Beatles, NSync and 98 Degrees. (Which one of these things is not like the other?) (Fig. 1) On the cover, there's a picture of Teen Mom's Catelynn and the word "split," but inside, you find out that she and Tyler were apart because he flew to New Orleans for a job opportunity. They are back under the same roof right now, though, so don't fret. Last, but not least: The best story in this issue uses Photoshop to give celebs new hairdos. (Fig. 2) I did Virtual Makeover once and gave myself Snooki's hair. Who doesn't love a makeover?
Grade: D+ (skunk)
Reading between the lines of this Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise cover story took a LOT of effort, and it's still unclear exactly what's going on. Apparently Tom and Katie met in New York to discuss Suri's Christmas and little Joey Potter felt a "surge of emotion" when she saw him, and "one thing led to another," which we are supposed to interpret as P in V. Anyway, Katie "had to admit" that it felt good to be in Tom's arms again, says a source who, I guess, is a fitted sheet? And so Tom suggested Suri, Katie and he spend Christmas together in their old Telluride mega-cabin, just like old times, praise Xenu. Next! Anne Hathaway wants a baby and may already be pregnant. A "scary-skinny alert" has been issued for Selma Blair. Kirstie Alley is going to let Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger set her up with an "age-appropriate gent." Eva Longoria is dating L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa; sparks flew when they were both trying to get Obama reelected, and were recently seen holding hands at a late-night showing of Lincoln. Positibely Presidential! Taylor Swift is "bored" of Harry Styles because "they really have nothing to talk about." And finally, if this is true, it sucks: A headline claims Britney Spears is off her meds. She was spotted in a Rite Aid in L.A., throwing a tantrum because she wanted to buy a shopping basket full of body lotion, but Jason Trawick told her it was a waste since she'd never use it and had lots of nicer products at home. She "began stomping her feet and yelling at him in this strange little-girl voice" a spy claims, and "sources say" she's gone off her antipsychotics and is very upset, in general, because she wants another kid and Jason doesn't want to father her child — or at least, wants to wait. In sick, twisted sidebar, the mag gleefully asks, "Will Her New Meltdown Be This Bad?" and prints pictures of her shaving her head and hitting a car with an umbrella. Rude. (Fig. 3)
Grade: C (beaver)
"We're Having A Baby!"
Looky here! Jenna Dewan-Tatum gives an interview to the magazine, confirming that she's got a little bun in the oven and gushing: "Channing's going to be the best dad." These two, who met on the set of Step Up, seem genuinely in love and adorable; they have matching tattoos ("side by side" in Balinese and also the word "twin"under their wedding rings) and for his birthday she organized a Dirty Dancing flash mob singing "I've Had The Time of My Life." CUTE. Anyway, Jenna's final words on the kid: "It's going to come out dancing!" Also inside: Rita Ora had a secret fling with Jonah Hill, who, of course, bragged about it, and the news got back to her on/off boyfriend Rob Kardashian. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are "crazy in love" and might just get married all of a sudden. Insert a Ms. Jay horrified eyes gif here. Finally, Katy Perry introduces John Mayer as "my boyfriend," and a source says "they are seriously in love and exclusive." Does John know? Oh, and backhanded compliment of the day: "John is surprised at just how cool and smart she is." Pretty and hot gals are usually dumb as a doornail, hmm, Johnny?
Grade: A (bunny)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from Star