Crushes I Have HadS

Welcome to The List, a semi-regular feature in which Julie Klausner enumerates pretty much whatever.


Andrew McCarthy (1987-Present)

Obviously, I lusted after Andrew McCarthy as Blaine in Pretty in Pink, but I was also super-into him in some of the——-uh——-less romantic movies he did around that time. Are you asking me if I masturbated to Weekend at Bernie's? 1. How dare you and 2. I wouldn't have been doing it to the parts with the dead guy, so there's nothing to be ashamed of. I also remember the scene in Mannequin in which McCarthy wakes up naked with Kim Catrall under a bunch of fur coats on the floor of the department store they spent the night in, and that aroused a lot of sensual feelings within me in regards to what it might be like to be naked under fur with him. I also remember wondering, after seeing that movie, whether Estelle Getty has ever looked young.

Crushes I Have HadS

The disabled man from a commercial I saw when I was a kid (1985)

I remember a PSA that ran during Saturday afternoons and featured a cadre of adults with special needs who lived in a home together. One of the men sitting at the table working on a crafting project was cute. I remember thinking he was hot, and that my friends changed the subject when I expressed as much.

Crushes I Have HadS

Mike Nelson (1993-1995)

Nerd alert! All my MST3K girls holla back!! Okay, Joel Hodson was the OG, sure, but when Mike took over for him, there was something about his cheekbones and his whole "midwestern dad" thing that completely charmed me and also my pants. Hooray for the men of Wisconsin!

Crushes I Have HadS

This guy who was clearly so, so, gay and starred in a Summer Stock production of A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court in my hometown (1986)

I think his name was Lance something? He was flamingly gay, and he was excellent in this play my parents took me to go see one July. Lance flawlessly projected his lines and committed to the choreography. He was blonde and tan and had enormous teeth like piano keys, and he basically pranced around the stage all night while my heart fluttered. I told my parents after the show (which I made them take me to twice) that I was nuts about him and I think they eventually broke it to me that our age difference wasn't the biggest obstacle I'd have to circumvent for his affections.

Crushes I Have HadS

Nick Kroll (1984-1986)

I'm privileged to be Jewish enough to have attended Jewish Day School with Nick Kroll, who went by Nicky in third grade, when I crushed on him so hard, I tried to get my mom to tell his mom, so things would eventually ignite romantically. That, ODDLY ENOUGH, did not work, but I am very pleased to brag that we are good friends to this day.

Crushes I Have HadS

Jack White (2011-present)

Mostly I'm just into Jack White because he writes songs about how sexy redheads are, and those songs are sexy songs. But he's responsible for turning a new generation onto Loretta Lynn and Wanda Jackson! Also, he's just hot, I'm sorry. Wait, no! I'm not sorry! Call me, Jack White!

Crushes I Have HadS

Jonathan Pryce (1989-1990)

My mom took me to see Miss Saigon on Broadway when I was 11 and I remember there was some controversy around Jonathan Pryce playing a pimp who was supposed to be Cambodian, and he was caucasian? Anyway, I didn't really care about that because during his big number "The American Dream," he humped a cadillac, and I thought that was very sexually stimulating.