Fuck You, Kickstarter

Last week was Fuck You Week, Jezebel's first annual week of desperate emotional cleansing and unhinged psychic purging. But Friday took a turn for the awful and we didn't run our final entries. So we're doing that now.

Kickstarter. Here's the thing about the group giving website. I don't hate it exactly — it allows me to help friends and to contribute to many worthwhile projects I believe in and also those I pretend to believe in. It allows the dreamers to dream, and the hucksters to huck, and I love Kickstarter for that. But, you know, sometimes I just get really, really annoyed at some of the bullshit that comes part and parcel with the entire KS experience, and I need to let it out. Will you allow me that, internet? No? What if I agree to fund your Shakespeare in the park as performed by claymation dogs in return? We have a deal!

Fuck you, Kickstarter, and let me count the ways:

1) Most obviously, number one is having to give money to my friends' stupid projects. Friends, I love you, and I also don't want to give you $50 to start your gluten-free vegan arepa truck in Des Moines. Please understand, I really, really don't want to do this and yet;

2) I give anyway because I need to have my name up there for everyone to see otherwise it looks like I'm not supporting your stupid project.

3) Then I have to figure out what to do with the g-d "extras" I got and didn't even want for supporting your stupid project. I've tried clicking "no reward" in the past, and trust, those fools will still send you something out of the goodness of their too-big hearts. Seriously, my jean jacket can't sustain the weight of another message button. And, please, NO MORE STICKERS.

4) The videos! Oh, the videos. Having to watch videos that inevitably include heavy breathing, inaudible speaking, overwhelming/inappropriate "background" music, awkwardness, lighting issues, star wipes, ken burns effects, etc., etc., etc.

5) Then there's the witnessing of people and projects I actively do not support getting a great deal of money from strangers after I said it would never happen. Dammit, I'm an idiot.

6) And you know what, when I DO give you that $25 to write a zine documenting your labia's inner monologue, you better fucking actually for real start writing that damn zine. How many times have I forked over the funds and then waited? And waited. And then waited some more. There are no guarantees and no deadlines, so when we give to a project there's a very good chance that you'll be dead before it actually happens. You'll be so dead that you'll never even get to eat the kimchi-plantain burrito from the Korean-Uguandan food rickshaw.

7) It annoys me that I can only pay through Amazon because I didn't want to set up an account with Amazon, OK? As much as I loathe Paypal, I already confirmed that shit and it's just easier for me. Also, I don't like feeding the Amazon greed machine with every donation. They're seriously cleaning up — with 2.9% plus 30¢ per transaction, the online retailer pulled at least three million in fees during the same period.

8) And finally, I hate you for making me cry at the awesomeness of some of your projects. Sometimes I cry because I think about the fact that I helped make something wonderful happen, and that makes me feel all the emotions, and my poor brain can't take it. So, fuck you for making me believe in humanity a little bit more.

But mainly, fuck you for the buttons.