Okay. Apparently this is the newest thing in face science. You spit in a jar. Then a fake scientist looks at your spit and is like, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, YES, birch and phoenix feather! This will do nicely!" And they hand you a jar of customized face goop that "matches" your spit, and you go home and goop up your face with it. And then—ka-boi-oi-oi-oi-oinggg!—ETERNAL YOUTH.
The magic spit test is the only way, says this guy:
"If you don't know your skin's genetic profile, some of the products you're using could be hurting your skin," explained Toumazou. "This isn't just about beauty; it's about skin health and detecting problems early. This is about the life of your skin and the true meaning of anti-aging, not simply a placebo effect."
..."For every drug, there should be a genetic test to determine if one can metabolize those ingredients properly," he said, predicting that "personalized medicine will be the future."
I mean, okay. I'm sure this is probably a very nice face lotion that totally lotions your face and feels very nice. And maybe these DNA people will have the last laugh when I hit 40 and look like some sort of peat bog man because I forgot to "metabolize" my "medicine." Fine. Whatever.
But is it not painfully obvious yet that literally everything is a sham? NOTHING CAN TURN YOU INTO A YOUNGER PERSON. Sure, you can take care of yourself in the usual ways, but no amount of pulverized diamonds mixed with dolphin placenta (with a float of Dakota Fanning's bile!) is going to transform the-old-lady-who-dropped-it-into-the-ocean-at-the-end into Jordy-the-rapping-French-toddler. It is simply not happening. And anyway, why would you want it to happen? Why do you want OLD BODY YOUNG FACE? That shit is hella creepay.
Anyway, ha ha, doctors agree with me:
Dermatologist Dennis Gross, a board-certified dermatologist and dermatological surgeon in New York City, is skeptical. "Matching your skin cream to your DNA isn't an effective way to choose anti-aging products," he said. "The mechanisms and science of aging in human skin is very much understood ... treatments that target common reasons for aging are effective for all humans. They will neither metabolize faster nor be less effective due to lack of DNA matching."
..."There are genetic disorders that involve the skin," [says Dr. Tony Nakhla], "if you're testing for one of those, it's an elaborate test. There's no real rationale for a hokey DNA test. I tell people that they can probably do better with an over-the-counter product for a fraction of the price."
Look. I moisturize! I hydrate! It's not like I'm super-jazzed about getting older and losing my elasticity and stocking up on Poise pads and seeing a stranger in the mirror and tying a bunch of balloons to my house and whatnot. But also, meeeeehhhhhhhhhhh. It's what we do! We shrivel! We accumulate wrinkles and scars—souvenirs of exuberant, complicated lives. And in the course of MY exuberant, complicated life, I'd rather spend my megabucks on plane tickets, gowns, and dessert than on $800 futility cream from the back of a fortune teller's calliope wagon.
But perhaps the rest of my generation disagrees with me:
"I think this younger demographic sees the value of having a strong preventative program," she said. "They understand that genetics are the key to discovering our bodies. They're our skin horoscopes."
"They're our skin horoscopes." YES. FINALLY, DNA WAGON LADY. WE AGREE ON SOMETHING.
Photo credit: krimar / Stockfresh.