This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we are thirsty for "news" and guzzle gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Lamar Odom was spotted standing next to ladies who are not his wife; Rihanna plans on killing Chris Brown if he breaks up with her; Katy Perry caught John Mayer sexting someone else; someone discloses Lindsay Lohan's mental health issues; and Kris Jenner is on the verge of divorce. Pull up a seat, set your glass down on the table, let's spill.


This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Ok!
"Shocking Baby News!"
Teen Mom updates: Leah Messer Calvert is pregnant again; Maci Bookout is "set on getting pregnant again"; Jenelle is "desperate to get Jace back. Yawn. In hilarious news, there's a box called "Marrying Up: Kris Vs. Kanye" which details how much more cash Ms. Kardashian could make if she marries Mr. West. (Fig. 1) Of course, she has to get divorced first. So. Finally, in an article called "Kate's Crazy Pregnancy Plan," we learn that the Duchess might do hypnobirthing, which doesn't sound crazy at all; and the kid will most likely be named Victoria, George, Elizabeth, Phillip or Louis.
Grade: F (mop bucket water)


This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Life & Style
"The Hardest Decision Of My Life"
In an "exclusive" story, Guiliana Rancic tells the mag that "it's really hard to leave the baby" and go to work after maternity leave. In other groundbreaking news she states: "I require a lot of coffee these days." Also inside: Lamar Odom left a the back exit of a club in Oklahoma City and was spotted standing next to a cab with "two thin and attractive brunettes in dresses." An eyewitness says it looked like he was leaving with the ladies, but there are no quotes from anyone who saw Lamar and the women all get into the car and seriously, the guy stands next to women in public and the headline is "Caught With Other Women"? WTF? Unsolicited Uterus Update: Beyoncé "isn't on birth control," says an insider slash amateur medical professional, "so she can get pregnant at any time." Apparently "all the signs" are there that she is already knocked up: Loose clothes, focusing on more than career, and "morning sickness?" in which the question mark is the key part of the statement. (Fig. 2) Royal baby alert: William and Kate's kid will be christened wearing a gown that is over 150 years old and was commissioned by Queen Victoria, that has also been worn by more than 60 royal babies. Traditions like that are great! Of course, some of us have ancestors who were enslaved 150 years ago but whatevs! Finally: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were spotted having a romantic time alone without the army of kids at Dower House, a private cottage at the Coworth Park hotel, just outside of London. At dinner in the restaurant, "It was just the two of them," a source spills. "They ordered red wine and were dressed up a bit, like they wanted to look good for each other." This stalkery source adds: "I saw them again the next morning… They looked like they'd just rolled out of bed! It was so cute."
Grade: D (dishwater)


This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

In Touch
"Betrayed By Her Husband"
Again: Lamar Odom was seen behind a nightclub with two women, standing next to a cab. It is possible that he got in the cab and said, "Sorry, girls, I'm married," and drove away into the night, but that is not part of the story. Instead the eyewitness says: "When I saw them, I immediately wondered, 'Why is Lamar in an alley in the middle of the night with two gorgeous girls?'" Maybe he was on his way home and leaving some hangers-on behind? Anyway! Let's move on. Also inside: Anne Hathaway's fashion icon is a flying squirrel. (Fig. 3) Taylor Swift is using Harry Styles, because his popularity brings her the attention she craves. A "source" swears: "She's a nice girl, but she's very calculated when it comes to dating the right men." Nine months out of rehab, Demi Moore was seen making a spectacle of herself in Miami, but when it comes right down to it, no one saw her drinking anything other than Red Bull, and dancing is not a crime, so, what is the what? Next, did you know that Backstreet Boy AJ McLean had a Goth-themed wedding and now has a newborn daughter? True story. (Fig. 4) In Katy Perry news, she has been texting her ex-husband, Russell Brand, and hiding it from boyfriend John Mayer, who would "freak out" if he knew. Finally, in a pleasant twist, the mag says something nice and declares that some women look better with less makeup (Fig. 5). Must be the holidays, making them sentimental.
Grade: C (bathwater)


This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Us
"Raising a Royal Baby"
There are quite a few details and anecdotes in here about what kind of mother Princess Diana was — sometimes strict, but loving, hands-on, and insistent on keeping the kids grounded. Apparently even though royal families have, historically, enlisted full-time teams to assist with newborns, Kate and William want to do a lot of it themselves and will just have a part-time nanny. In terms of how the child will be raised, a "friend" says that Kate and William are "very outdoorsy," so their kid will play outside a lot, and that Kate "will be firm but fair." Meanwhile, security has been upped — Kate will get an extra "bump" guard, giving her a total of three security officers, and that person will become full-time protection for the child. Next! In 25 Things You Didn't Know About Me, CeeLo informs us he thinks Jamie Lee Curtis is a hottie and sequins dominate his closet. (Fig. 6) Bethenny Frankel and Jason Hoppy are "fighting a lot" and she is "unhappy" in the marriage. Under the section header "MAD MOM," Brandi Glanville grants an interview and explains that she does not trust her sons with "bonus mom" LeAnn Rimes. "She loves them, but she is endangering them," Brandi says, adding that LeAnn has a "severe eating disorder," is an "unstable person" and bringing up the fact that her kid once mistook one of LeAnn's laxatives for a Skittle and ate it. Yeah. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are "moving too fast," and TSwizzle is "One Direction's biggest groupie" and recently they were seen at the Crosby Street hotel in New York, making out for two hours. Since this hotel is quite close to the Gawker offices we are very sad to have missed this snog sesh. Finally: Having learned that the world is cruel there are ridiculous standards of beauty for women, the ladies (and gent) of Jersey Shore have had a few tweaks. (Fig. 7)
Grade: B- (lukewarm tap water)


This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Star
"Divorce!"
According to this story, while some of the crap on TV is "kontrived," there is, in fact, tension between Kris and Bruce Jenner, and a split is "imminent." Plus: "Kylie and Kendall broke down crying to Bruce, admitting that they feel like they don't have a mother and they believe her only concern is figuring out new ways to make money off of them." Seems entirely likely! Anyway, Kris was seen having "an intimate dinner" with an Australian photographer, and fawning all over him and acting "like a teenager with a crush." The dude in question, Russell James, while handsome, is wearing FLIP FLOPS in the photo featured, so like, really? Let's move on. Kate Middleton's parents have moved into Kensington palace, to be near her as she fights to get her health back through her pregnancy. Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with "full-on, severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder," says a "friend" who obviously does not care for patient/doctor confidentiality. LL used to take Lexapro, Wellbutrin and Xanax, but she gained weight and quit the drugs, and as someone who also gained weight from anti-depressants, I HEAR YOU, GIRL. Anyway, now her drugs of choice are booze, coke and Oxy, according to this source. Next: "Paula Abdul is a Syrian Jew and would love to give a home to a child orphaned by the civil war." Mila Kunis and Demi Moore both get their mani-pedis at Jessica Nail Clinic on the Sunset Strip, but Mila has had to rearrange her schedule so she doesn't run into Demi. The mag failed to insert claw-sharpening jokes with this news, but did add the word "meow" next to a picture of spilled nail polish. Katy Perry caught John Mayer sexting someone else, a friend claims, and Katy "flipped out." John shrugged it off. As he said in a 2010 interview: "I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls." In other doomed couples news, Rihanna has told Chris Brown that she will kill him if he leaves her. Healthy! "She says she's been through so much pain to get Chris back that his life won't be worth living if he breaks her heart again," a "well-placed source" claims. The insider also says that Chris Brown is turned on by this kind of talk, and is telling RiRi he loves her and wants to be with her forever. And: Justin Timberlake is "not happy" in his new marriage to Jessica Biel because she's redecorating his house — "he likes modern and minimalist; she likes antiques and clutter." The piece called "Hollywood's Dirty Dozen" is a list of the meanest celebs, from Jennifer Lopez to Shia LaBeouf to Julia Roberts ("she's left countless people in tears"), Christina Aguilera (Don't touch me!"), Dr. Phil and Alec Baldwin. Finally — and this is actually pretty genius — the editors latched onto the news story suggesting we're attracted to people who look like us and paired up some twinny couples. J'Anthrax and Robsten are especially close, but Nicole Scherzinger also gets kudos for finding a pseudo-doppelgänger. (Fig. 8)
Grade: B+ (sparkling water)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 4, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 5, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 6, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 7, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: Rihanna Plans on Killing Chris Brown if He Breaks Up With Her

Fig. 8, from Star