Just when you thought it was safe to put away your costumes for Halloween — you know, the slutty nurse, the slutty witch, the slutty Little Bo Peep, the slutty Girl Scout, the slutty escaped mental patient, etc. — get ready for the new trend in slutty wear for all of us sexy ladies: Slutty Christmas Costumes. The sexy costume has long been a staple of the Halloween market, and women are generally expected to dress up on October 31 every year as a sexy…anything. Now, that market is expanding to include the Christmas season. Because, dammit, we women should be able to dress in slutty costumes YEAR-ROUND, right?
We all know the real reason why these Christmas costumes exist. It's to make all the endless holiday festivities more fun for the kids. Right? When little Johnny has finished opening all of his Christmas loot, and little Cindy Lou Who has a stomach ache from all that candy and roast beast, what better way for Mom to jazz up a family gathering than to break out the skimpy Yuletide garb?
Or maybe the costumes are to take the guess work out of having to decide what to wear to the plethora of Christmas parties. I don't know about you, but instead of slogging through racks of bedazzled holiday gowns at Saks, I'd much rather just throw on a slutty Santa's helper outfit so that everyone will ooh and aah over my infectious Christmas spirit. And let's not forget the annual office party. Slutty costumes + office parties + alcohol = Merry Christmas! So, let's slip on our sexy Baby Jesus thongs and take a look at what Santa might stuff in our stockings this year.
Surprise the kids with this adorable "Miss Vixen" costume! This deer garb is so realistic, it would probably be a good idea to stay out of the woods so you don't get shot by hunters. Or Dick Cheney.
The "Jingle Bell Rocker" costume is listed as "Junior" because it is for "teen girls." Teenage girls, please note that it is never too early to start slutting it up at those school holiday parties. This one comes with a free morning after pill and Gloria Allred's phone number.
A variation on the sexy Santa costume, the "Merry Kiss Me" is great for office parties to let your co-workers see your more capable business-savvy side.
The "Toyland Babe." Seriously, what's sexier than a slutty elf? The North Pole, the Keebler Tree -– you just know they're all getting it on while assembly-lining all those those toys and cookies.
This "Gingerbread Girl" Costume is good to break out when you feel like baking cookies with the kids. Everything just tastes better when you bake looking like this, and the skirt doubles as an oven mitt.
This is the "Santa Baby" costume, and it looks flattering on all body types…Right? This one reinforces the well-known rule that the smaller the hat, the hotter the sex.
The "Sexy Foxy Frosti" proves that men would even bone a snowman as long as it looks slutty enough. There must have been some magic in those old fishnet stockings they found…
Another sexy elf costume. Teachers, wear this one when you read a cute holiday story to the little ones. They'll think you are straight from Santa's Workshop!
The "Ms. Kandi Kane" costume says "I'm lickable." Mmmm…tastes like peppermint.
The "Adult Green Sassy Elf" makes a crucial differentiation between a "sexy" elf and a "sassy" elf. I think this "sassy" elf costume means that the wearer is just a tease. A "sexy" elf means business.
Finally, here's one for us, ladies! Being seduced by a man in a Hugh Hefner-esque Santa themed smoking jacket and pimp hat is a fantasy come true. After gathering the kids ‘round the fire and reading The Night Before Christmas, Santa Hefner can look forward to a hot night with Mrs. Claus decked out as a slutty Rudolph.