Meet the 'Nice Guy' Pickup ArtistsS

Simple Pickup purports to be "a group of 3 regular guys...out to show the world that any guy can get a girl, simply by being themselves." They may be the first pickup artists to employ inspirational quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt and Hellen Keller wedged between clips of motorboating women's breasts in public and without their consent, but the goal is still to trick girls into liking them — or, at least, into fucking them.

The bros behind Simple Pickup all have "Nice Guy" sob story bios; Kong used to be "introverted," Jesse "started out as an over-weight, cake eating, and very anti-social computer gamer," and Jason recently got out of a long relationship.

Aww, how sweet! How do these totally normal dudes pick up so many girls? Apparently, that's what hundreds of thousands of YouTube viewers want to know. Long answer short: by reinforcing the ideal that girls (never call them women, even if they're MILFS!) = prey and worthy guys should be able to lure them into giving up their phone numbers (and vaginas) by any means possible.

Many of these douches' videos have a "truth or dare" mentality. Watch these guys pick up girls using tampons (omg girls get their period?!?!?) and "tranny porn magazines." Awesome, broseph! Let's "go creep out some girls" by sticking anal beads into strangers' faces! Maybe just try to say the word "penis" as many times as possible, because you're in 3rd grade? Or how about scaring girls — like, literally scaring them from behind as they're walking down the street — because if you can pull a number after grinding up on a random woman and kissing her on the nose "that's epic."

Simple Pickup seems like the next step in pickup artist evolution — these guys aren't creepy pickup artists, they're just pals joking around! They probably grew up watching Jackass and playing pranks on each other, but, deep down, they're super nice guys who just want to help out their friends!

Except their videos aren't harmless; they promote rape culture. Consider this video on "How to Get Laid By Setting Up Your Room," which has over half a million views. Some tips I learned before I got too grossed out to continue watching: fluffy blankets will entice your date to lie down and want to cuddle, which "leads to oral sex and then, you know, insertion." It's "counterproductive" if she sits anywhere else but on your bed, so put random objects on all of the chairs in your room! Offer to give her a massage, then tell her her shirt is getting in the way, then sneak her bra off until "bang boom she's naked." Always have alcohol lying around, because "girls feel like they need to drink to relax for some reason, which is good for you" because "if you even have a sip of alcohol you're allowed to do stuff with her." Christ. Why don't you just roofie her before she walks in the door to save time and energy?

There's been a lot of discussion lately about whether "nice guys" can be rapists. The answer is no; you can not be "tricked" or "confused" into raping anyone. That's why, even though Kong, Jesse and Jason aren't the first pickup artists out there and they won't be the last, they need to be called out for trying to rebrand pickup culture as something that's not only for creeps who want to get laid by any means possible but for the average well-meaning Joe, too.

Their most recent initiative is something called Project Go, "unedited, uncut videos of us picking up girls from beginning to end" without gimmicky "ridiculous 'GET HER NUMBER' objectives." The guys tell us that their advice is crucial for all kinds of men: "If you want to improve your social life, if you want to meet fun and interesting people, Project GO is for you."

The first words you hear in the trailer — after "That girl. Right there. Go" — is "ass ass ass ass" and "motorboat time!"; the rest of the video doesn't deviate from their YouTube channel in the slightest. Since when does improving your social life require treating women as objects to be won and then fucked before they even know what's happening to them? It doesn't.

These aren't nice guys. They're dicks who treat dating like a video game and women as shiny gold collateral; the more you collect/bang, the higher your self-esteem rises, and the easier it is to forget that you're an insecure shell of a person.