Fuck You, Gchat

This is Fuck You Week, Jezebel's first annual week of desperate emotional cleansing and unhinged psychic purging.

me: hey gchat
Gchat: WHAT UP GIRL
me: nothing, you?
Gchat: SAME
me: so listen, gchat
having come of age in AOL chatrooms, and therefore more comfortable/articulate on the Internet than in real life
i can appreciate what you do for us, sometimes
because you are good to have around, especially at like... 3 PM in an office
which is that dead period between lunch and go-home time
and sometimes you do seem to provide a network of camaraderie between underemployed friends at their myriad desk jobs or whatever
and the ability to banter during your soul-sucking work experience is like
a knife of joy slicing through the miserable flan that is office boredom
Gchat: MAD CAMARADERIE
me: why are you yelling?
Gchat: I'M NOT REALLY GOOD AT SUBTLETY
me: yes! that brings me to my first point
i hate to make this a whole "technology is ruining our communicative skills" 2001: A Space Odyssey-type conversation because that makes me sound like I'm all fusty and ranting about the Youngs and how they're Always on Their Machines
like, reference Hal the evil computer
Gchat: DAISY, DAISY
HAHA JK

Fuck You, Gchat

me: but really, it is really hard sometimes to decipher things people say, because the omission of human vocal tones leave a lot to the imagination. and it's not like texting, which these days seems more for function and less for "chatting." if you looked at my text transcripts they'd all be really functional, like texting someone to set a time to hang out, or if you're gonna be late, et cetera.
it's like, a tool to use in the real world, at this point
whereas you, gchat, are like, a half-real world unto yourself
Gchat: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
me: like, if I have a little fight with someone on gchat, it's kind of like it doesn't really register in person, but those things add up subliminally and can cause tension that goes unresolved?
also, it can be very easy to start compulsively gchatting with someone who is really toxic and bad for you with the excuse that it's "just gchat" and not like "actually talking."
so at your worst, you are like a Bermuda Triangle of dysfunction
Gchat: YOU ARE IMBUING ME WITH AWESOME POWER AND IT'S MAKING ME ALL TINGLY
me: and my second, more obvious point is
sorry
but you are a waste of time
Gchat is typing...
me: did you want to say something?
Gchat is typing...
Gchat: YOU HURT MY FEELINGS A LITTLE
me: sorry, gchat :/
Gchat: I THINK YOU'RE EXAGGERATING
HERE WATCH THIS VIDEO OF CUTE BABY OCELOTS
me: no!
look, there was just this thing in the New Yorker
about a 21-year-old French woman who took over her parents' bread company
AND went to Harvard at the same time
and they asked her how she managed to do that
and she was like, "it's not a big deal: the one or two hours a day a normal person spends procrastinating, I spent working."
Gchat:: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY
me: without you we could all have harvard
and our bread company
Gchat: WHAT
me: ohhh fuck it, nvm
gotta go
Gchat: DEUCES
Gchat has signed off.