This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Each Wednesday, take a whiff of the goods served by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, since the most exciting thing a woman can do is reproduce, and the second best thing she can do is get married, all five covers are about pregnancies and weddings. Kate Middleton is knocked up, Kristen Stewart is planning a wedding, and Jennifer Aniston is pregnant and getting hitched. Although… Is Jennifer Aniston's "belly bump" actually a scarf? In other news, Weight Watchers is pissed at Jessica Simpson for being with chylde; Teen Mom's Jenelle is married and on heroin; and Kim Kardashian got blood smeared all over her face in the name of beauty. Where do these people find the time?


This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Ok!
"Big Wedding!"
First of all, this story is illustrated with pictures of the wedding from the Twilight movie. Second of all, it claims that Rob has "an idea" about a black diamond and ruby engagement ring, and third of all, Van Morrison is name-dropped. It all stinks like fish four days old — don't buy it. Also inside: A story claims that Jenelle from Teen Mom has called off her wedding to Courtland Rogers — when in fact they are already married. And! The "Royal Shocker" about Kate Middleton's baby is that Kate recently put a cushion under her top and "shocked" friends when she answered the door with a silly fake belly bump. The article goes on to say that Kate and William hope to conceive soon and will make an announcement next month. Whoops! Guess they sent this to the printer before finding out the announcment already happened. Like I said, old snapper.
Grade: F (cat litter)


This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Life & Style
"It's Twins!"
Well, we've heard this one before, but obstetrician "Dr. Dave David" tells the magazine: "If somebody does have twins they're probably three times more likely to have Hyperemesis Gravidarium." So: Two heirs to the throne could be on their way into the world. In other baby news, Justin Theroux has "confirmed" to an "insider" that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant but isn't telling people — except for a few folks she works with. Jen is "hiding under bulky clothes," also known as "dressing warmly." There's a yellow arrow pointing to her "bump," which looks suspiciously like a scarf. (Fig. 1) Let's see, what else? There are blurry pictures of Mario Lopez's wedding. Oh, and a story about Kim Kardashian's "vampire facelift." Apparently she did this procedure in which blood is withdrawn from the arm into vials. The vials are placed in a centrifuge and spun around until the platelets separate. The "platelet-rich plasma" was then "rubbed onto her face" according to the mag, and that's not all, a "pal" reveals:

"After that, they did something called needling, where all these little needles prick the skin and let the platelets seep in. It was so gross!"

A doctor contradicts this report, claiming that "vampire therapy" is "really just a sexy name for the process of taking blood from a patient [and injecting it into the body again, which] stimulates the production of collagen, which enhances the skin and makes it appear more youthful." Pretty! (Fig. 2)
Grade: C- (rotting meat)


This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Star
"Wedding War!"
This ridiculous story is actually kind of hilarious: Jennifer Aniston heard that Brad and Angelina were planning on tying the knot in France, so she decided to move her ceremony there and started looking at upscale wedding venues in Paris. When Angelina found out, she switched her destination to Cambodia. But Jen thinks her wedding will be the best, because she'll have at least 100 celebs in attendance — including Courteney Cox, Chelsea Handler, Ben Stiller, Johnny Depp and George Clooney. Angelina has admitted that she has no friends, so Jen wants to invite as many people as possible to rub it in. But some folks — Johnny Depp, Ellen Degeneres, Cloons — will be invited to both weddings. Which are, keep in mind, completely theoretical at this point. Also inside: Star claims to have been the first mag to tell you about Kate's pregnancy, since the announcement was on the cover on September 17. Of course, there was also a claim LAST YEAR that she was pregnant, so whatever. Jessica Biel has banned Justin Timberlake from talking to tempting succubus Scarlett Johansson. Katy Perry was giving BFF Rihanna a hard time about being back with Chris Brown when RiRi called her a hypocrite and pointed out that John Mayer is "one of the biggest sleazeballs on the planet." Christopher Hudson, the preacher who seems to have brainwashed Angus T. Jones, has a couple of arrests in his past — driving with a suspended license, failure to obey a traffic device — and he has a $22k unpaid bill from a plastic surgery clinic. (!!!) If you've ever wondered if Dancing With The Stars is fixed, the answer is yes: The show's senior producer happens to be the manager for Tony Dovolani and Melissa Rycroft. In Teen Mom news, Jenelle's sister Ashleigh tells the TV star is on heroin: "She's thinner than she's ever been in her life and she has track marks all over her arms." Finally: Jessica Simpson's mom has been drinking nonstop in the wake of her husband's gay rumors.
Grade: C (compost heap)


This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

In Touch
"They're Both Pregnant!"
Again, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, says an insider. A pink arrow points to her "baby bump," which, to the untrained eye, looks like a scarf. (Fig. 3) Meanwhile, Kate Middleton's old friend Jessica Hay claims that Kate is seven or eight weeks along, and had wanted to wait before announcing her pregnancy, but she got so sick the day after that cute hockey game that the royals had no choice but to disclose the info. Moving along, there's a story about Gavin Rossdale being "caught with the nanny," and it includes a caption which reads, "She loooks like Gwen!" But we now know that said "nanny" is actually Gavin's sister, and if she looks like Gwen, hey, it happens, but didn't the editors also notice that she looks like Gavin? (Fig. 4) Headline I read but immediately wished I hadn't: "Pregnant Holly Madison: 'I Don't Feel Sexy!'" Last week we heard about a bunch of celebs "ditching their diets" and looking less skeletal, but this week there's a spread called "Scary-Skinny Stars." Taylor Swift is overexercising, Kerry Washington looks unhealthy, Jessica Simpson as lost her "athletic" look and Stacy Keibler "isn't eating enough." And since the folks at In Toca are all licensed nutritionists and doctors, you know it's true. Lastly, the best story in this issue is the one about how Kanye is Shiloh's secret stylist. (Fig. 5) Calling the kid Sheezy from now on.
Grade: C+ (wet dog)


This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Us
"Baby At Last!"
This detailed account of what's going on with Kate Middleton informs us that she woke up on December 3 feeling nauseous, and by 2pm was whisked to the hospital. That afternoon, William told his father, Prince Charles, and grandmother, THE QUEEN, that he was going to be a dad. Then he emailed Harry and informed the palace. An "aide" says the decision to tell came with much reluctance because Will and Kate "wanted to wait until Christmas Day." Sigh, sadface time :( . Anywhoozle, the story also claims the duke and duchess will move into Kensington Palace but will "bring in more modern pieces to furnish the home. At first you might think, what, get rid of antiques? But just take a look at the eyesores they're working with — that rug needs to be burned in a fire. (Fig. 6) Also inside: Weight Watchers execs are "livid" that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. They had to shoot the first ad from the waist up, and now the second ad — celebrating her 70-lb weight loss — might not air. A source claims: "There's a chance they won't pay her the whole $4 million!" Dying to know more about this, for real. In Haylor news, Taylor Swift calls Harry Styles her boyfriend, even though their relationship is in the early stages. He's given her a necklace — a silver paper airplane pendant — whic hshe wears so "she always has a part of him with her." Cute and also codependent? Last, but not least: This mag has clear, posed pictures of Slater's wedding and of Ashley and J.P.'s wedding. Weddingstravaganza! (Fig. 7)
Grade: B+ (fresh paint)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 2 from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 4, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 5, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 6, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Got a Vampire FaceliftS

Fig. 7, from Us