Lindsay Lohan’s Life Has Taken a Decidedly Film Noir Turn

To be fair, anyone who's seen Drag Me to Hell probably harbors a secret, irrational fear of people some misguided celebrities call "fucking gypsies," but this is the power of cinematic spectacle: it can turn us all into paranoid bigots who hate great white sharks, avoid putting down suburban roots on Native American burial grounds, or punch fortune tellers in nightclubs. Allegedly.

Whether or not Lindsay Lohan actually punched professional fortune teller Tiffany Mitchell in the face is what the private eye Lindz just hired will try to figure out, hopefully before Mitchell and new attorney Gloria Allred file a lawsuit and help ensure that the next Lindsay Lohan comeback vehicle will be a Hallmark movie about pioneer women, in which young Lohan is captured by a Sioux war party, eventually becoming a warrior in her own right. [TMZ]

  • Feast your eyes on the very first blurred, grainy bit of photographic evidence that One Direction's Harry Styles is hanging out with Taylor Swift's striped-shirted shoulders. [The Sun]
  • In a peculiar sit down interview with a man who defiantly refuses to stop wearing mousse in his hair, Mike Tyson talks about finding the fledgling star Brad Pitt in bed with Robin Givens, whom Tyson was in the process of divorcing. "You should have saw his face," Tyson said of Pitt's panic-stricken (Mike Tyson is a terrifying human) face, "when he saw me." [News Au]
  • Mindy Kaling had lunch with Reese Witherspoon, and the only possible explanation for this happening is that Reese Witherspoon will now become a regular character on The Mindy Project, starting immediately. [Just Jared]
  • Some mouth-breathing ballot sentinels in Florida straight-up voter-disenfranchised Christian Slater. [E!]
  • Apparently, Mitt Romney mourned his failed presidential bid by getting Boston Market for Thanksgiving and carving five rotisserie chickens in his bathrobe, wasted on seltzer water and singing, "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza" as he served each member of his bemused family. [WaPo]
  • "If I wasn't acting I'd be a cook, or working on the line in a kitchen, which is actually a dream of mine, so I'd be doing that," said Jake Gyllenhaal on his broken dreams. [Belfast Telegraph]
  • Protesters in Bahrain were not very happy that Kim Kardashian was visiting their finest local milkshake establishment. [Radar]
  • Anne Hathaway, looking a little bit, it must be noted, like the evil, motorcycle-riding, leather jacketed alter ego of Julia Roberts, told Glamour more about how severe her Les Mis diet was, and how she went full vegan while filming The Dark Knight Rises...and It Takes So, So Long That You'll Wonder Where Michael Keaton and His Funbag of Clever Jokes Ran Off To. It's all very fascinating. [Examiner]
  • Shakira's former boyfriend (and business manager) Antonio de la Rua is suing her for a cool $100 million. [BBC]
  • Comedian Katt Williams visited a Sacramento Target, where he apparently slapped an employee in the face before leaving to go make the holiday season just that much more humiliating for another lucky retail worker. [TMZ]
  • Glee dancing robot Heather Morris keeps parking her Prius on the sidewalk in front of her house and her neighbors are really fucking angry about it. [TMZ]
  • Don't worry, everyone — after initially calling off the wedding back in June 2011, Crystal Harris has decided to try and marry Hugh Hefner a second time, just like in The Five-Year Engagement, kind of. [TMZ]
  • Depending on your tolerance for talking cartoons and non sequiturs, this is either terrible or really terrible news: Seth MacFarlane will probably be making a Family Guy movie, which will probably be making a pile of money. Oh, and MacFarlane will be awkwardly voicing a character on the Simpsons [EW]
  • Lee Child fans are still not buying the five-foot-seven Tom Cruise as the hulk of a hard-boiled protagonist Jack Reacher, who according to Child's books, is six-five, weighs more than 220 pounds, has a 50-inch chest, and a masterfully circumcised, blonde-haired, blue-eyed penis. [Telegraph]
  • How old do you feel? Britney Spears turns 31 today. [MTV]