This Week in Tabloids: Babysplosion! Kim Kardashian, Duchess Kate, and Jessica Simpson Are Pregnant
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we nurse at the teats of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week is Unsolicited Uterus Update week, since three out of five tabloid covers deal with reproduction. But while Kim Kardashian’s twins are imaginary, Kate Middleton and Jessica Simpson might actually be inseminated. According to sources, insiders and ouija boards.
Ok!
“Twins!”
As always, the cover misleads. Inside, the story claims that Kim and Kanye are planning for two babies and a fairy-tale wedding. Kim has “one gaping void” in her life, and it is her womb. She’s always wanted twins, an “insider” claims. So she’s been eating “tons” of organic yams, since they’re supposed to increase hyper-ovulation. A sidebar called “Their Baby-Making Tour” details how Kimye have been boning across Europe. (Fig. 1) Also inside: Another Unsolicited Uterus Upate! Jennifer Lopez “looks” pregnant. Finally, couples news: Katy Perry and John Mayer are getting serious. And Kat von D and Deadmau5 are back together, so you don’t have to stop brainstorming Tom and Jerry jokes.
Grade: F (sour, curdled milk)
In Touch
“Leaving Scientology For Suri?
This story is about how Suri Cruise flew to London to be with Tom for Thanksgiving which is a sign that he is putting his daughter before the church and it’s so so so so so boring, therefor I only skimmed it. Let’s move on. Sean Penn is “wooing” Florence Welch. Kim Kardashian is threatening to sue Kris Humphries if he doesn’t divorce her already. Kate Middleton is pregnant and due in the spring. Lastly, in party-like-it’s-the-summer-of-1929 news, Leonardo DiCaprio spent $3 million on champagne at his birthday party. 18 cases of Armand de Brignac, bien sûr. But! The party was a fundaiser for his foundation and for Hurricane Sandy Red Cross relief, so it’s all good. Drink up.
Grade: D (buttermilk)
Star
“Stars Without Makeup!”
You guys. This is shocking: Sometimes women look different when they’re not wearing makeup. I KNOW. Rebel Wilson actually looks 10 years younger. (Fig 2) But this picture of Goldie Hawn looks manipulated. (Fig. 3) Also inside: Rosie O’Donnell is addicted to Kickstarter, spending hours and hours on the site, staying up all night, looking at projects to help fund. Ellen Barkin is “even meaner off camera,” although the only crimes she’s being accused of are “barking” at people and demanding designer clothes, which, I dunno, sounds kind of not so bad? Taylor Swift is “dangerously head over heels” obsessed with Harry from Wand Erection and is already talking about marriage and babies. Also, this is a real sentence at the end of the article: “Taylor will never recover if he rips her heart out again.” Finally, in classic Star bodysnarking, Christina Aguilera’s ass is up for discussion. A plastic surgeon who does not treat her says she COULD have MAYBE had “liposculpture to the waist and fat injection to the buttocks.” Another option: “Butt pads.” (Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (skim milk)
Life & Style
“Yes, It’s True!”
A woman named Jessica Hay, who claims to be a “close friend” of Kate Middleton, says the Duchess is with child. “They’re planning to make an announcement in December,” Hay says. “I have this on the highest authority, and it’s not to be taken lightly. It’s going to be wonderful, happy news when it’s announced.” Except honey, you just announced it. What kind of friend are you? Moving on! Taylor Swift is “dangerously thin” and “barely eating,” and it’s all that no good Harry Styles’s fault. Dating the One Direction nugget means death threats from fans and the Swizzle is “totally stressed.” Next up, a story about Jessica Simpson claims that now that she’s lost weight, she’s got her “wedding body” and is ready to fit into a wedding gown. Haha, guess the editors at L&S didn’t hear the news that Us did. Finally, Selena Gomez has informed Justin Bieber that they can get back together but he cannot “have girls or models back to his hotel room.” Girls or models. Or.
Grade: B- (chocolate milk)
Us
“OMG! She’s Pregnant Again”
A mere seven months after giving birth to daughter Maxwell, Jessica Simpson is knocked up again. Says a source. There’s no official comment from Jess. But we trust Us! How does this affect her Weight Watchers deal? What about her wedding? Well, with the weight loss, “if she did it once, she can do it again,” the copy reads. And as for nuptials? “It’s not something she’s even looked into.” Okay! Let’s move on. Teen Mom‘s Jenelle is engaged. Since Mitt Romney went to Disneyland and Kim Kardashian took her shoes off at the airport, stars are just like us. (Fig. 5) And lastly, three out of three dudes on New Girl say that if you want to pick up a guy, you should just talk to him. It’s that easy. (Fig. 6)
Grade: A (black and white milkshake)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Ok!
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4, from Star
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Us
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