Sweat Til Your Underpants Are Wet: Take an Exercise Class With Richard Simmons

If you live in Los Angeles, did you know that you can take an exercise class from the 64-year-old pixie stick who’s had a livelong love affair with movement? Yes, it’s true, and I know this because, well, look at the link I just posted, and also, a few years ago two of my best friends went without me and I haven’t talked to those bitches since. Seriously, how are you going to do that to me? BUT I ASK AGAIN.

Anyway, they both confirmed that — with the exception of a visit to the Magic Castle, their own weddings, and seeing Amanda Plummer once in a Starbucks — their day at Slimmons (yes, Slimmons) was the best day of their lives. They danced, they laughed, they were inspired to deal hella meals. Sometimes I get mad at RiSi for pushing dieting plans, but I do love his exercise videos. I used to rewind the song Big Girls Don’t Cry from one of the Sweating to the Oldies and perform it over and over again. You can’t see me right now but I’m miming wiping tears from my face with jazz hands.

You should read David Davis’ fascinating piece to learn more about what it’s like to take a master class — including Richard doing things like saying “I DON’T WANT YOUR BABY; I WANT YOUR SWEAT!” and then licking his own shoulder. So fun!

I will leave you with a story about a friend who was lucky enough to meet him. Allow me to paint a picture. Simmons was visiting the TV station my friend worked at and was strutting down the hall toward the studio. My friend was walking in the opposite direction down the same hall. As they approached each other, his face lit up and he literally ran to her, grabbed her hand, Care Bear stared into her eyes, and told her she was beautiful and to never change. Can you imagine?! Now, my friend is beautiful, but she’s not at all a skinny minnie and so it made me think, you know what. That Richard. He is OK by me. He is a lover of women, a lover of stripes, and a lover of dance. Get down on it, Mr. Simmons. Get down on it, indeed.