This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Welcome to a very special holidaze edition of Midweek Madness, in which we do a very quick read of the tabloids in the interest of time, and decide which one you should waste your money on if you must, because you're traveling by car/train/plane/mule.


This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Ok!
"Yes, We're Having A Baby!"
Surely you know this by now, but this cover line is a complete bait and switch that ought to have an asterisk next to it. Inside you learn that Kristen wants to have Robert's baby, and he said that if she stays true to him, he's willing to have a kid with her, which allegedly made her cry. As of right now: She is not pregnant. There's no baby. Still, the magazine has a sidebar titled "Inside The Nursery" with the kind of furniture they might choose, someday. The only other story worth mentioning is the one in which Angelina is trying to shame Brad into losing weight by "grabbing his love handles and laughing at his pot belly." Who saw this? Is the source a fitted sheet?
Grade: F (no food)


This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Life & Style
"Kate's Biggest Fear: Pregnant & Alone"
Again, an asterisk ought to appear on this cover, because inside, the story is about how Kate could wind up pregnant and alone if she conceives next year and William is still in the Royal Air Force. But to be clear: At the moment the Duchess is neither pregnant nor alone, though she is a military wife and so on. She and the Prince attended a fallen soldier remembrance ceremony together on November 11 and he has until the end of the year to decide whether or not he wats to stay in the RAF. Also inside: Britney, Demi and Khloe are "waging a secret war" on the set of The X Factor: Brit's annoyed by Ms. Kardashian and Demi is bonding with Khloe, which makes for a triangle of tension because ladies can't be friends and "catfight" is a good headline, apparently. Finally, Kanye wants Kim to quit her reality show because it;s embarrassing… and if Kanye is embarrassed, that's saying something.
Grade: D- (cold, lumpy gravy)


This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

In Touch
"Wrecking Another Marriage?"
Basically, Kristen Stewart and Ben Affleck are IN TALKS to star in a movie called Focus. The editors at the mag have seen the script and deem it "steamy." The female lead has a nude scene, there's lots of kissing, and the lead characters have make-up sex. So if KStew and Ben get the parts it could cause trouble since they have both fallen for costars. Of course, even though Ben dated Gigli costar Jennifer Lopez and met Jennifer Garner on the set of Daredevil, he's been happily married for seven years and neither of them have officially been cast in the film so this is all theoretical. Still, the headline is, "Watch Out, Jen!" There's also a story about how Britney and her two kids have moved out of her mansion and are staying in a hotel without Jason Trawick. And lastly, in an "exclusive" interview, Kim Zolciak explains that she quit RHOA because she was always so tense and stressed and "had to get away from it all."
Grade: D (undercooked drumstick)


This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Us
"A Baby for Christmas!"
Oh, you think because you're royalty, Santa will just bring you a fucking infant? It's not like the holiday has anything to do with a newborn king… oh wait. Okay. This story explains that Prince William and Kate of the Shinylocks have had a top-secret plan all along: To devote the first two years of marriage to work, and only work on getting pregnant after the extensive newlywed travel schedule. They finished a tour of Southeast Asia in September, and their malaria medication has run its course, so it's safe to try and get knocked up now. Kate will announce after the first trimester, so just stay tuned if you care so much, jeez. Also inside: Taylor Swift and Harry Styles, one of the crumpets of One Direction, are so on. They email a lot and "she doesn't want to be single." Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are in love. A source says: "They have said I love you." In an exclusive interview, Lindsay Lohan says she is happy, even though she feels bullied by tabloids and TMZ and: "I can't think of any actor who has been subjected to such extreme publicity who hasn't, like, committed suicide." She also points out that "Elizabeth [Taylor] was drunk on set" and claims: "I've never been drunk on set, ever." Plus, she says she would like to adopt a son, is not interested in having a girl because: "I don't want to deal with a mini-me!" Lastly, what do you make of "The Year of the Redhead!" which does not include Lindsay? (Fig. 1)
Grade: C (dry cornbread)


This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Star
"We're Engaged!"
Sure, the cover claims there's an "exclusive interview," but that interview is with an insider, not with Kourtney and Scott. The insider claims Scott popped the question on the Pont des Arts bridge in Paris, and she said yes, and soon their wedding will be a televised event, as is the Kardashian tradition. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston's BFFs Courteney Cox and Chelsea Handler are in a "bachelorette party catfight" because CC wants something small and sweet and Chelsea wants a wild XXX throwdown. Eddie Cibrian is "sick and tired" of LeAnn Rimes and her drama and chaos, but she's hoping to get pregnant in 2013 which will surely keep things calm? Finally, for an epic Thanksgiving, take advice from Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy: "The latticework bacon on top [of the turkey] takes all of 30 seconds to do, and looks absolutely gorgeous." In which "gorgeous" is subjective. (Fig. 2) Love the text screaming "Looks good enough to eat!" — what else would you do, rub it in your armpits?
Grade: C (overcooked Brussels sprouts )


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Fig. 1, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: For Her Next Trick, Kristen Stewart Will Destroy Ben Affleck's Marriage

Fig. 2, from Star