'Upper East Side Makeover' Video Game Teaches Girls Absolutely Nothing

“Wanna get a sophisticated upper east side look, girls, for school or for a girls’ night out?”

That is a direct quote from the website for “Upper East Side Makeover,” a video game from Romanian developer Daniel Tamas, who has never been to New York but has apparently watched a fair amount of Gossip Girl. There’s more:

When you say Upper East Side, you say high style, elegance, wealth and fancy designer fashion items. The brand new EnjoyDressUp.com facial beauty game Upper East Side Makeover brings you the upper east side beauty, make up and fashion in your own homes, without having to spend any money to get the stylish and high maintenance upper east side look. How awesome is that, girls!

Umm, pretty awesome, maybe? We were intrigued by the premise of the game…

Get a chic upper east side school or college look, prepare for a day out in the city or for a night out with your bffs looking chic and elegant like a true upper east side fashionista. Beautifying cosmetic treatments used by high life fashion divas, glamorous and sophisticated make up colors like liquid lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and blush, trendy and stylish hairdos, upper east side designer outfits, gold and diamond designer studs are all part of the Upper East Side Makeover which will turn you into an upper east side fashion diva with just a bit of beauty, make up and styling practice.

…which seems like a horrible activity to target to impressionable tweens but a great one for a blogger who misses paper dolls to make fun of/play around with! But, alas, I couldn’t get the game to work.

I tried multiple times to do more than smear purple goo on a lesser Blair Waldorf’s face while some spicy-sounding elevator music played in the background, to no avail. Where are the “Beautifying cosmetic treatments used by high life fashion divas, glamorous and sophisticated make up colors like liquid lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and blush, trendy and stylish hairdos, upper east side designer outfits, gold and diamond designer studs” I was promised? Maybe this is all a metaphor based on an Edith Wharton novel.