When we asked for suggestions on what sort of gift a person might buy for a dejected Republican, most of the suggestions went something like this — "A CLUE AND A PLANE TICKET TO SOMALIA OR THE INSIDE OF MY BUTTHOLE!" Well, a clue won't fit in my future in-laws stockings, and I'm afraid buying a conservative college chum a plane ticket to Mogadishu (or my butthole) would be a prohibitively expensive way to ruin a decade-long friendship. So here are some gifts to buy for the actual human Republicans you kind of like, as people, but with whom you vehemently disagree politically. Ranging on a smugness scale from the humble parts of Obama's election night victory speech to David Axelrod's cocky-ass mustache.
1. Barbie Jones Lucky Elephants Woven Silk Bowtie Barbie Jones is a bipartisan designer of political themed jewelry and accessories, and a gosh darn nice person, to boot (I met her at the RNC this year; she tried to sell me a donkey-shaped hairpin, which was sweet). To the cranky older white guy in your life, this tie, designed and made in the US of A (although I'm not certain if this particular piece was made in "traditional," white America, or scary new gay Latino slut fiesta America) will read like an olive branch. A slightly cocky, but thoughtful olive branch.
If your gift recipient isn't Tucker Carlson, you'll be happy to know that this design also can be ordered as a traditional necktie. $75 [Barbie Jones]
2. Romneyface photo buttons We'll always have the memories. Of Mitt's signature "aren't I just the most precious thing?" winceblink/upward stare. Of Ann's warmth wrapped around a core of molten confused rich lady anger. Of that head of Ronald Reagan hair, the closest a politician has come to cephalic Reaganizing since The Gipper himself. Buy your Republican loved one a whole box of 'em.They'll frown at first, but they won't be frowning when they cover their letter jacket with them and wear them to their next class reunion. $3 each [Mitt Romney]
3. Proud to Be an American Adult Mittens Now we're cookin' with gas. Giving a gift of patriotic mittens after a self-proclaimed patriotic guy whose name could be short for Mittens lost an election is funny, in a gloaty Julia Roberts Wears That Danny Moder's Wife's Name On A Shirt kind of way. But less terrible, and more winter practical. $26, [Etsy]
4. Michelle Obama-less First Lady Paper Dolls Artist Tom Tierney has made historical paper dolls out of everyone from the John Adams family to the Kennedys to British royal family. He's also diligently updated his collection for historical accuracy as new families have entered and exited the White House. So it makes perfect sense that the version of First Lady paper dolls sold in the shop attached to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation and Library don't include Michelle Obama, while the newest edition of the dolls... does.
Ah, Republican alterna-reality. Gift wrap it for your favorite fact denier, or your most devoted hipster friend. $6.95 [Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation and Library]
5. America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatest Nation We Never Weren't by Stephen Colbert So, yes, this book was written by a guy who makes his living lampooning the conservative media. And yes, the last thing your Republican uncle (Repuncle) wants is to get the election results rubbed in his face by snot-nosed sarcastic factophiles at Comedy Central. But after Fox News' positively embarrassing election night showing, and nearly every other conservative outlet's bombastic predictions about a Romney landslide based on "vibrations" (copyright Peggy Noonan), maybe the best thing for a frazzled GOP voter's confused mind would be the soothing balm of self-effacing comedy. $16.28 [Comedy Central]
6. One Nation Under God 10X15 Litho Print by Jon McNaughton This is a rather forceful way to point out to a conservative loved one that they've MOST DEFINITELY gone completely off the Bachmann deep end. And YES, this is a nonsense intervention. This painting says, I just spent two $20 bills, plus a $1 bill to hold a mirror up to your ridiculous face. LOOK AT IT. Jesus is holding the constitution! Soldiers are weeping. A judge is really feeling bad about himself. Abraham Lincoln, James Madison, and George Washington are trying to pull off a dead white guy boy band pose. DON'T BE THIS PAINTING! GET BETTER, GOP! If Constitution SuperChrist isn't up your alley, there's also a subtle print of President Obama holding a burning Constitution while scowling blackly, and another painting called "The Forgotten Man," featuring a very sad white guy crying on a bench while Obama turns his back on him.
Of course, there's no guarantee that this won't just further enrage your Republican friend. Also, don't give this artist your money. $41 [Jon McNaughton]
7. Yes, We Candy/DisappointMints Stuff stockings in a Fair & Balanced manner with mints that do not give a shit about the ideology expressed by the tin they're in. $3.49 each [Perpetual Kid]
8. 24: The Complete Series This show will provide your favorite Republican with hours of the terrorist-punching, civil liberties suspending, white guy swashbuckling gunplay he or she wishes existed. It will also occupy them for several weeks. Perfect for the most beloved conservative in your life who is completely beside him or herself. $258.99 [Amazon]
9. Barack Obama/Mitt Romney Battle Bots Let this pair of boxing robot toys with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama's heads give your favorite Republican an outlet for their post-election frustration. $99 [Hero Builders]
10. The Signal and the Noise by Nate Silver The cockiest item on the list, sure, but one your Republican friend would be well-served to read and digest, to prevent future 2012-style blindsiding, and your subsequent Christmas gloating. $12.99 [Barnes & Noble]