It is a truth universally acknowledged that most people have that one toxic barnacle of a human being that they can't seem to scrape off their leg. Perhaps it's the old college roommate who once chirped while watching you devour cheese fries, "Wow, you have to be sooo confident to eat like that!" Or an ex-boyfriend whose Twitter you sometimes normal-read and sometimes hate-read. Or that one ass-kissing co-worker who sometimes throws out your leftovers in the office fridge WAY before they've gone bad, but also she hugged you when you were crying in the bathroom one time?

Anyway, you kind of have to give that person a present. Any suggestions?