Why Are You Offering Me Discounted Liposuction? Are You Calling Me Fat?

You guys, remember when the idea of liposuction, Botox, body contouring and Brazilian butt-lifts were only “dreams” to us mere mortals, reserved for the frozen-faced reality stars and one percent’s trophy spouses? Well, move over you man-made celebubots: Lifebooker is making it affordable for us all. But I’m not so sure I want that.

I subscribe to Lifebooker, Bloomspot, and Living Social because I’m a young 20-something living in New York and can only afford to enjoy life’s finer pleasures — eating out, grooming myself, or embarking on the occasional expedition outside of my apartment — if it’s offered with steep price reductions. And if you’ve been exposed to any sort of media over the course of your lifetime, you are also aware that there’s a cultural premium on looking good, particularly in regard to ladies’ bikini (or post-baby, lately) bods. In this deeply discounted new world of extreme couponing and 80% reductions on irregular knock-off name brand clothing, it’s no wonder that our obsession with looks and obvious desire to save money have come together in the unholy union that is the Lifebooker Medi/Laser deal. It’s the thrill of the deal coupled with the idea of “fixing” ourselves — win/win.

Every morning I check my email inbox to a slew of Lifebooker deals offering me discounts on liposuction, breast augmentation, laser hair removal, appetite suppressants and Brazilian butt-lifts. The deals are often tempting, making me think, “OMG, I can totally get the entire Brazil-experience of a wax, a butt-lift and a keratin treatment for only $100! Do I have room in my schedule for it?” Mind you, these treatments are not necessarily anything I ever wanted, but there goes Lifebooker, like the worst of ladymags, planting those seeds in my head. And I sometimes suspect that Lifebooker floods my inbox with this crap first thing in the morning because that’s when I have pillow creases on my cheeks, my hair is a bird’s nest and my eyes are puffier than a newly augmented ass.

Admittedly, when I get these offers I usually walk away from my computer to clear my head — then I do a few squats and check my face for any hint of new laugh lines until I realize I’m crazy. Eventually I’ll return to my computer and only purchase the wax. Only the wax. ($15, c’mon. Hard to resist.) But it’s a little unsettling that these procedures — some seriously invasive — have become so run-of-the-mill that they’re offered alongside a basic wax or mani-pedi. It suggests that sticking needles in your face is as routine as clipping your cuticles.

A recent Lifebooker deal features discounted laser ass-fat removal and a promise to “Bust a zap in yo’ ass” for the low price of $395, because they totally get that “Going to the gym and jogging on a treadmill is like going to a bar and drinking non-alcoholic beer. It’s not any fun and you leave unfulfilled.” Like many of Lifebooker’s deals, the offer — apparently written for self-conscious types who think sobriety and cardiovascular health are for dumdums — preys on the audience’s insecurities (like we didn’t have enough as is?) and appetite for a quick fix. This particular deal zoned in on would-be customers’ eating habits and their resulting thigh-fat, stating:

The invention of donut shot glasses brings together two of your favorite things: carbs and booze. It also leaves behinds evidence of your devotion: saddlebags.

Translation: If you don’t already have fatty thighs, you’re in the process of getting them. Loser. (But don’t worry, we can fix that.)

With such insulting marketing strategies, why do people keep purchasing these deals? For me, it’s because one in every five of those Lifebooker emails there’s an offer for something minimal, like a facial, for $30. But I can’t get to those deals without sifting through a total mindfuck first.