Texas Trying to Secede from Union, Austin Trying to Secede from Texas

Now that the election is over and the cry babies have had their temper tantrums, they’re now starting to regroup. Or maybe they’re actually still in the midst of a collective nervous breakdown? Who can tell with these right wing ding dongs? Their first order of business is not taking a good hard look at themselves and reevaluating their fucked-up stances on women’s rights, same-sex marriage, and immigration. Nope, why do that? Reflection is for sissies, the most ~~logical~~ ~~patriotic~~ goofy thing to do is secede from the union! Because naturally. Because why not.

Over 30 states have ridiculous residents who filed petitions to secede from the United States in the wake of President Obama’s reelection, but Texas has the largest bunch of jackasses on board. With over 90,000 signatures, their petition reads:

The US continues to suffer economic difficulties stemming from the federal government’s neglect to reform domestic and foreign spending. The citizens of the US suffer from blatant abuses of their rights such as the NDAA, the TSA, etc. Given that the state of Texas maintains a balanced budget and is the 15th largest economy in the world, it is practically feasible for Texas to withdraw from the union, and to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers which are no longer being reflected by the federal government.

Well, good luck to all you confused bigots, and we’ll be seeing you! Good luck without the protection of the United States Military, by the way. And welcome, Mexico! Actually, if they succeeded at secession, you know that would be a whole new level of fucked up blood bath, and I don’t even want to think about it. Luckily, these loons aren’t even close to the majority of lovely Texans.

And of course, there’s always Austin.

Often the lone voice of sanity from the lone star state, Austin keeps it real in a tattooed-neck and tattooed-neck race with Portland for most wonderful and weirdest of weirdos. Their petition to secede from Texas is only at a little over 3,400 signatures, so they need about 22,000 more to qualify for an an official response from the Obama administration.

Austin Texas continues to suffer difficulties stemming from the lack of civil, religious, and political freedoms imposed upon the city by less liberally minded Texans. It is entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state, within the United States, in the event that Texas is successful in the current bid to secede. It is important for Austin to remain in the union as to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers.

We would also like to annex Dublin Texas, Lockhart Texas, & Shiner Texas.

The petition needs 25,000 signatures by December 12, so that gives us a little over a month to get on it. Let’s do this, Austin! Fight insanity with insanity! Because again, why not tie up our government with even more useless shit that prevents us from getting actual stuff done. Why the hell not. USA! USA! USA!