Pepsi Is Releasing a New Brand of 'Fat-Blocking' Cola that Will Obviously Totally Work

Oh, man, wouldn’t it be great to glug unlimited Pepsi AND get your fats blocked!?!? Well, the good folks at Pepsi-Cola Japan are introducing a new product for just that purpose—a refreshing cola beverage that “blocks” your “fats” with “fiber,” just like Gandalf on the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. “Pepsi Special” contains an indigestible form of dextrin, which the company claims will help to reduce fat absorption. Yay!!!!! Finally! Giant butts are totally solved!

Eager to appeal to young, health-conscious men, Pepsi has put out a comical ad on its website showing a businessman trying to chose between a woman dressed in a pizza costume and another in a burger outfit. The message – you don’t have to give up either, if you drink the Pepsi Special.

Odd-flavored drinks are not unique in Japan’s $48 billion a year soft-drink market. Past Pepsi flavors include strawberry and milk, salty watermelon, and yogurt, to name a few.

Now, I have to say, when I think of “health,” I generally think of glorious, open-air exercise and home-cooked meals made from fresh, whole ingredients. OR…I suppose we can just keep taking mass-produced fake foods, replacing their few “real” ingredients with chemical substitutes, and adding more and more appetite suppressants and indigestible fillers and flavor enhancers until we’re not really eating at all, we’re just bluffing.

I remember a nutritionist telling me once that I should buy these special capsules made from some plant fiber that expand in your stomach into a viscous gel that fills you up so you don’t accidentally eat more than six almonds for your snack. Mmmmmm, viscous gel!!!!! Which, I admit, was kind of an appealing idea at the time (though I never bought them). What an awesome cheat! It’s like Game Genie for my butt! And I’m sure it’s totally safe, or whatever. But…that just isn’t how I want to do it. If I eat a healthy diet and exercise and I am still fat, then so be it. I’ll be fat. I’d rather be fat than full of viscous gel and “special” Pepsi. (Lean Cuisine Frenchbread Pizza, though, you can stay. You’re my bro. I don’t know what balrog magic makes you taste so much better than regular pizza, but respect.)