Republican Worried that Care Bears Are Turning Children Into Witches

One of the biggest bummers of all the Republican rape talk this election cycle is that it’s distracted from Republican witch talk, which is much less rage inducing and much more hilarious. At the end of a stressful day, I like to unwind by watching old Christine O’Donnell videos where she talks about Satan, and now, I’ve got a new entertaining paranoid conservative to add to my conservative witch talk ridiculousness playlist — Massachusetts State Senate candidate Sandi Martinez, who believes, among other things, that the Smurfs and Care Bears are turning Our Children into a bunch of babyslicing witches.

Before she was running for State Senate with the worst campaign website since Mindy Meyer’s Pepto Bismol nightmare, Martinez hosted a public access show on local cable during the 1980’s and 1990’s. And yes, it’s just as amazing as it sounds.

“On her cable access show in 2004, Martinez warned that trick-or-treating, Harry Potter books, and the “new age images” presented in 1980s-era programming such as “The Smurfs” and “The Care Bears” could destigmatize the occult and leave children vulnerable to the lure of witchcraft.

“To me, that’s what the Harry Potter thing is doing, only in a much broader scale than the Smurfs ever did,” she said. “The children are going to remember those feelings that they had watching the movies and reading the books, and they’re going to be prime targets.” “

You don’t even want to know what she had to say about the Holograms — Jem, she’s fine with; it’s those Holograms that are teaching children that it’s okay to appear to be 3 dimensional when in fact you are only a projection.