Australian School BANS HUGGING, Gives Affectionate 12-Year-Old Girl Detention

A school in Western Australia, which instituted a no-hugging policy last year, has now given a 12-year-old student detention for wanton snuggling. The long arm of the law caught conscientious hug-jector Amber Rome flagrantly embracing a pal as the school bell rang—a clear violation of the school’s restrictions on public affection (or, as laws are known in Australia, a Crocodile Dun-DON’T).

Basically this article is the funniest thing I’ve ever read:

The school’s acting principal Gemma Preston told news.com.au: “We introduced a rule about hugging last year after parents complained about their children being hurt by excessive hugging.

Australian School BANS HUGGING, Gives Affectionate 12-Year-Old Girl Detention

PARENTS COMPLAINED ABOUT THEIR CHILDREN BEING HURT BY EXCESSIVE HUGGING? What the shit? Was there an outbreak of Avian Bone Syndrome? Because, you know, hollow bones.

But wait! It gets hilariouser:

“This behaviour was getting out of control with students hugging each other several times a day, and this was becoming disruptive to classes.

“The rule was reinforced with our Year 6 and 7 students again last week during a general talk about being role models for the younger students.

“In this particular incident, the students involved were hugging on school grounds just two hours after this talk and it was important to follow it through as a discipline issue.”

Now. Okay. Obviously I don’t know the details of this particular disciplinary action, and perhaps there was a gang of violent hug-bullies terrorizing the school with Mice-and-Men death grips. But. Rrrrrrrrrrrrreally? Really, school? Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure my middle school had a no-hugging policy too, out of some weird puritanical impulse to curb the inevitable onset of naked hugging. Not that it worked. (Pro tip to all school administrators: You cannot curb the onset of naked hugging. Just teach the children how to do naked hugging responsibly, if and when they eventually begin naked hugging. It is the best you can do. Punitively restricting regular hugging just makes everyone feel dirty and confused.)

And then, because apparently there weren’t enough amazing comedy nuggets in this article already, Amber’s mom swoops in with the tasty burn:

“Some parents are aware of the rule - they think it’s absolutely ridiculous. Some parents aren’t aware - they also think it’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Up top, Mrs. Rome. You know what they say: when chuckles become illegal, ONLY TERRORISTS WILL HAVE CHUCKLES.

—Lindy West