Floridians and residents of the Gulf Coast are probably laughing at us like how I laugh at southern cities that completely shut down and declare states of emergency the second a snowflake touches the ground. Let's meet this natural disaster's Frankenstorm of jerks.
21. Crystal toting hippies who think this storm wants to be their friend
There are some reasons that a person in a mandatory evacuation zone may hesitate to leave their house when a natural disaster bears down on them. Perhaps they're sick, or afraid of looting, or maybe they have an antisocial pet that they can't stomach abandoning. There are also terribly stupid bullshit reasons to refuse to evacuate as a hurricane approaches. Believing that this whole ordeal is a way for Mother Earth to point and wink at you from across the atmosphere is just one of those stupid bullshit reasons.
Today's Observer contains the story of several New Yorkers' reticence to evacuate before the impending storm, and found one particularly crunchy lass who was super psyched for the potentially deadly weather event.
Ms. Laurel had ventured down from her apartment on Bedford Avenue to read and reflect, to take in the scene and the energy.
"Mother Earth is so powerful," she continued. "I love to connect with her; I wanted to come down before the storm and feel the energy. And I want come out in the storm, too, and see what that feels like."
Ms. Laurel was wearing a white- and rainbow-colored knit cap with white tassels and a green down vest. She had a chain around her neck with a crystal hanging from it.
20. The irritated dogwalkers
About half a dozen times today, as I'm hunkered as down as I can be in my top floor apartment, I've looked out onto the mostly abandoned streets and caught glimpses of miserable-looking dogs being dragged along the sidewalk by their irritated owners. How dare you have to pee, dog?! HOW DARE YOU?
19. The enslaved worker bee
The New York Stock Exchange and all city public schools are closed today, which should be a pretty solid indication that other New York-based businesses that require their workers be physically present in their offices during work hours should feel free to go ahead and shut down so their employees don't have to figure out how to get to work in a city with no operating public transportation. But some businesses still required their employees to figure out how to get to the office today! A gainfully employed comedy writer friend was picked up by a car service this morning and ushered to work in Midtown, leaving his wife doubting whether she'd see him return. The bodegas are all still open and staffed with worried-looking clerks. The Dunkin Donuts at the end of the block is also open, picked nearly clean of donuts and completely devoid of customers.
18. The concerned Midwestern relative
On one hand, my mother's requests that I send her frequent updates of whether or not I have drowned or eaten my cat are sort of cute. But on the other, I am trying to conserve my phone's battery in the event that I lose power. WHICH COULD BE AT ANY TIME.
17. The overprepared
Okay, I get it, you smug Y2K remnant with a color-coordinated pantry full of cans, a secure bunker with an emergency backup generator, a closet full of brand new rugged yellow rubber shit you bought at the REI store, and a hurricane-proof wetsuit that poops D batteries. You're prepared. You took all the notes and highlighted the relevant parts. None of this will matter when we discover that the Mayans were right. Where's your apocalypse go bag, jerk?
16. The whining Detroit Tigers fan
I know you lost and you're sad, but today is not the day for whining about an embarrassing sweep in the World Series. If anything, view your defeat as a blessing: no one will remember this in a week.
15. The legitimately clueless
"Why's the line so long here?" says the guy at the hardware store to the overworked clerk. "Is there a storm or something?"
The clerk looks at him like he can't be serious. He is.
This is an actual scene that happened this weekend.
16. The proudly underprepared
So your hurricane strategy involves a pack of Magnum condoms, a tub of Vaseline, and a bag of weed? LIVING DANGEROUSLY.
15. The bewildered, beached celebrity
Seeing celebrities walk around New York is not rare. What is rare is seeing them having to suffer through the same indignities that we Normals must endure. We saw Gabriel Byrne looking distressed about the fact that he's in Whole Foods just like a person without a personal assistant. A disheveled and cranky Alec Baldwin was forced to walk his impossibly tiny dogs in public. This is what our exalted celebrities have been reduced to.
14. The aspiring human Nike commercials
OK, you all-weather running machine — we get that you are totes extreme and dedicated to running no matter what the conditions. But I swear to you that the gods of running will understand if you leave your New Balances in the closet for the next few days. Seriously. There is no need for you to galumph through the driving wind and rain. You don't have cameras following you. No one else can hear DJ Khaled's "All I Do Is Win" blasting through your iPod.
13. The goofball
This one's tricky, because there are right and wrong ways to mid-storm goofball. This guy, jogging shirtless in DC wearing spandex shorts and a rubber horse mask? Doing it right.