Recently Beleaguered Pro-Life Politician Romances the Ladies with Dinner and Some Mediocre Weed

Scott DesJarlais, pro-wrestling action figure, licensed physician, Tennessee statesmen, and eligible bachelor (laydeeeez!) who doesn’t let an antiquated ceremony like marriage stop him from finding his soulmate, is facing some new trouble in his bid for reelection to the House of Representatives — a second former girlfriend has come forward, this time alleging that she and the exceedingly charming DesJarlais smoked a lot of pot together. Oh, and he also prescribed drugs to her during off hours, but before you rush to judgment, you have to realize that it’s fine because DesJarlais was her physician. See? It’s all above board.

You may remember that DesJarlais, who is still a licensed physician in the Volunteer State as well as a pro-life values sort of congressman, was recorded on audiotape pressuring his mistress to have an abortion. Those were tough times, though, and DesJarlais doesn’t mind tell everyone so. Besides, the woman wasn’t even pregnant, so what’s the big deal, really?

Plus, according to the latest DesJarlais paramor to come forward, DesJarlais is “the nicest guy.” Like, okay, sometimes, DesJarlais would invite her over, put on some slow jazz, cook her dinner, get super blazed, and just slow-dance with the idea of himself as a righteous, god-fearing politician (his girlfriend would watch, I guess). The Chattanooga Times Free Press (Chattanooga is a sweet little town, btw, with a bangin’ aquarium that features penguins with names and little color-coordinated arm bands, eep!) has not been able to independently verify the woman’s claims about marijuana use, but her name does appear in DesJarlais’ divorce papers, included by his ex-wife in an exhaustive list of “potential witnesses.”

Predictably, DesJarlais’ campaign has dismissed the entire lurid account of drug-fueled liaisons as nothing more than a “smear” tactic meant to tarnish an otherwise upstanding Tennessean. The woman claims that DesJarlais would try to pick up women while he was doctoring, and that he would often prescribe her pain medication on dates at his home. At heart, however, she says that “Scott was just a regular guy. He smoked. I mean, he smoked pot. He [did] all that stuff.” At this point, DesJarlais’ campaign masterminds should seriously consider a last-minute slogan change, something more in line with DesJarlais’ actual values, maybe, “Scott DesJarlais wants to know — who wants to get high? Eh? Maybe do the sex?”