"Cannibal cop" Gilberto Valle III's OKCupid profile really brings a whole new meaning to the concept of online dating horror stories.
Yesterday, the married six-year veteran of the NYPD was arrested and charged with "conspiracy to kidnap, cook, and eat" as many as 100 women, one of whom he imagined cooking "over a low heat" so as to "keep her alive as long as possible."
Naturally, the 28-year-old tried to scope out these women using the same tactics as hipster OkCupid users around the country: strategically-placed emoticons and quirky cultural references.
Valle's favorite book? Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham. Adorable! Here's why:
It was written by this famous Doctor. It's about a guy named Sam who makes this new breakfast and tries to get his neighbor to try it. After many failed attempts, the neighbor finally eats it and to his surprise he really likes it. The Doctor's message in his literary work is that it is good to try new things. I try and employ it in my everyday life.
And Hannibal Lecter thought he was being clever with his "fava beans and a nice chianti" bit.
What does Valle spend a lot of time thinking about?
"The past day at work and how screwed up people are, what I'm going to eat for dinner."
Hey, I think about those things a lot, too! But I usually go to Trader Joe's or the farmer's market; I'm not good enough at planning ahead to abduct my dinner beforehand and keep it in a cage.
Ladies: Valle considers himself "a true gentleman," and chivalry is "huge" with him. He'll "open doors and pull out chairs for you" — ostensibly before he knocks you out with homemade chloroform.
If he takes a liking to a gal, he'll "spoil the heck" out of her. Subtext (from his IMs with a co-conspirator): he "will really get off on knocking her out, typing up her hands and bare feet and ggging her. Then she will be stuffed into a large piece of luggage and wheeled out to my van."
What kind of partner was Valle looking for?
"An outgoing person who is comfortable with who they are, wherever they are. Someone with a great sense of humor who loves to try new things and who just goes with the flow if well laid out plans end up going to hell. A lady with good values who is helpful to others."
The scariest thing about this insanely horrific situation is that Valle's profile is significantly less creepy than most of the OKCupid profiles I've seen. Cheesy? Maybe. But, apparently, a passion for abducting and slow-roasting women doesn't mean you can't also enjoy "telling corny jokes, finding the funny in most situations, driving, finding my way around the city, crossword puzzles, softball, imitating people, and working up enough courage to sing karaoke."