Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez heads to the newsstand and picks up the hot-off-the-presses issues of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Kimye's hypothetical wedding would cost $20 million; a Teen Mom got a new face; Mariah Carey got an EIGHT hour massage; and "Hollywood Housekeepers" claim that Britney Spears is a slob and Ryan Gosling pees sitting down.
"Kim's Surprise Wedding"
Surprise, this story is a dud! The not-yet-divorced-not-yet-engaged Kim Kardashian is not presently executing plans for a surprise wedding. Using a pic of Kim in the dress that she wore to wed Kris Humphries — with the diamond headband Photoshopped away — the mag has dreamed up a fantastical $20 million wedding, including more than $2 million on flowers, an Aston Martin wedding gift for the groom, a $100k emerald choker for the bride, and swanky pre-paid vacations for the wedding party. Also, Kimye are allegedly trying to go half on a baby together, because the couple want "a kid for Kanye to show off when he hangs out with Jay-Z and Beyonce'" and Kim is already "putting on weight really fast", so why not? Priorities. Insiders allege that Kate Middleton and her muggle sister are feuding, stating that Pippa is fuming that Kate's royal in-laws have put the kibosh on Pippa's press tour to promote her new party-planning book, Celebrate, and Kate is all, nobody would care about your stupid book if I didn't marry into royalty, so shut your big fat, whiny mouth! Burn! In other news, Kristen Stewart won Robert Pattinson back by giving up the passwords to all of her accounts, all of her guy friends and all of her insecurities. Snooze. Gary Shirley of Teen Mom fame has made his onetime booty-call, Kelsi, into a mother figure for his daughter Leah. And Finally, Demi Moore was spotted looking less waif-like and the mag has dubbed her to be hot, once again.
Grade: F (shitting yourself)
Life & Style
"I'll Raise This Baby Alone"
Move right along. Nothing to see here. "This Baby" is as fictitious as Kim's Ok! wedding. Khloe Kardashian is not preggers and never exclaimed that she would raise this baby, that baby, or dem babies, alone. The mag alleges that Lamar thinks getting Khloe knocked up is so five minutes ago, and has moved on to just being a dad to the two children that he already has from a previous relationship. Meanwhile, Khloe has given her ovaries an ultimatum, giving herself until Christmas to get pregnant, or she's going to adopt. Meanwhile, Heidi Klum's friends think she's slumming by dating her bodyguard, but Heidi doesn't give a fuck, says a friend who isn't Heidi. Tori Spelling's high-risk pregnancy and traumatic post-baby womb explosion has caused Tori and her husband, Dean McDermott, to become butterfly-stitched together in solidarity and love! Sofia Vergara is putting down the sweets and picking up the weights in order to fit her already-perfect ass into an itty-bitty wedding dress-sans wardrobe malfunction. The mag gathers quotes that alternate between praising the starlette's "voluptuous" figure, and calling her a little heavy in her pre-engagement days. Let us pour out a Pepsi for our homie Sofia. And lastly, here is some real "news": a sidebar pictorial of celeb moms proving that women can parent in heels. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (vomiting in your mouth and swallowing it)
"Farrah's New Face"
Surgeries, diets and starvations, oh my! Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham denies ever having insecurities about her body or face, but "finally feels gorgeous" now that she's had her face opened up and installed a new nose and face to match her two-year-old boobies. (Fig. 2) When asked what she told her daughter, Sophia, about the surgery, Farrah said, "I've told her that mommy just wants to be a beautiful butterfly." In a piece to compliment Farrah's new face, there's a four-page spread of female celebrities' bodies and faces being picked apart by surgeons who have never treated them, alleging that they've had cosmetic surgery too young. (Fig. 3) In the same issue featuring a young reality star opting to crack her face open, and build it from scratch, the mag presents readers with "Kanye and Kim Get Ugly", in which the stars are treated the iPhone UglyBooth treatment, peppering them with pimples, pinching their eyes together and enlarging their noses. (Fig. 4) Meanwhile, Johan Hill fell off the diet-wagon and the mag was there to document it, sharing that he sampled from no less than 22 dishes served at his table during a recent night out with friends. From body-shaming to double standards, the mag calls Justin Timberlake a Groomzilla for lovingly participating in every aspect of wedding preparation, planning elaborate pre-wedding fetes for his family and friends, and helping his wife-to-be pick out a wedding dress. So, Groomzillas are charming and Bridezillas are epic bitches? Got it. Finally, the mag announces the new Price Is Right model, 24 year old Rob Wilson, with a pic of dude in nothing but his skivvies. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D+ (pissing yourself while wearing jeans)
"My Diet Struggle."
Wow. Apparently 109 headlines about Jessica Simson's weight were not enough. In this story, we learn that Jessica Simpson is losing weight "like a mere mortal: pound by pound." There are quotes from her trainer, quotes from her Weight Watchers leader, pictures of her at her many different weights since 2001, old tweets, new tweets, the words "lean proteins" and so on. Jessica and her pals — including mom Tina — get weighed every Wednesday, and Jessica says,"It's really encouraging to know you're all going through the same thing. Our meetings are also a great time to celebrate victories." This narcoleptic cat gif sums up our emotions here. Moving on! Britney's court battle is getting nasty, with supercreep Sam Lutfi claiming she was on amphetamines, and Team Spears basically saying, yeah, that Lutfi gave her. In "25 Things You Didn't Know About Me" by Ryan Lochte, he a reveals scintillating secret: "I love movies." (Fig. 6) Les enfants Jolie-Pitt were spotted eating at the Counter in Los Angeles last week, where Maddox ordered a rare, adult-sized burger and the other kids had mini-burgers. The bill was paid by a manny. Mariah Carey had an eight hour massage in late September. The masseuse was paid $1500 and Mimi had the DVD of Bruno on repeat during the rubdown. (?!??!? infinity) On page 46 there's a story that didn't even make the cover: "Ask The President," in which Barack Obama answers reader questions. Advice for someone who wants to be president? "Be careful what you post on Facebook! And most of all, take your education seriously." Wise words. Lastly, in news from 2001, black frames are chic! (Fig. 7)
Grade: B- (belly-ache-relieving fart)