Rick Santorum Hates Happiness

Joyless ideologue Rick Santorum has written a hilarious book about the true meaning of FREEDOM and AMERICA and WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS REALLY MEANT when they said FREEDOM and AMERICA. And in true Rick Santorum fashion, he's got some harsh words for all you fatties out there who like lame shit like "happiness" and "fun." Let's join Rick on a short, joyless romp through guilt so thick that a team of therapists armed with NASA drillbits couldn't get to the bottom of it.

The book is called American Patriots, which means if you were playing a meaningless Tea Party platitudes-themed drinking game, you'd already be two shots deep. In it, Santorum wags his long finger at the reader from its pages, urging them to home school themselves about the alternate history of the US Rick Santorum wishes, wishes, wishes so very hard had happened.

Don't buy it. The only thing you need to know is that, according to Politico, there's a part where he turns his perennial stinkface to a hip rapping youth pastor who is about to try to convince you that it's cool to be totally lame face. Target: happiness.

Did God give us the right to pursue a good time? Don't get me wrong-happiness is a wonderful emotion and a state to be desired. But is that what our founders really intended to be the pursuit of our country and its people-to be happy? Let's put it this way: How would you like your tombstone to read, ‘Here lies [your name]. He/she was happy'? Count me out! Isn't life supposed to be more significant than that? Let's face it-many of life's pleasures are not even good for us, as my waistline constantly reminds me.

Um, yes, Rick Santorum. I would actually like my tombstone to read that I was happy. But I'd also like it to have a super spooky limmerick on it so that local kids make up stories about how I was a witch.

Anyway, Santorum's theory that the Founding Fathers didn't find happiness all that worth pursuing is bullshit. To borrow a phrase that Rick Santorum seems to like a little too much — let's face it: if the Founding Fathers hated fun, then why did they all have syphilis?

[Politico]