The 'Croydon Facelift' is Bullshit, Obviously

Warning: the information you’re about to read might be hazardous to your heath. Your mental health. Because it is the most useless piece of beauty “research” I’ve read all week — month, maybe? — and that is saying A LOT.

The big news is that researchers at the University of Texas found that the “Croyden Facelift” is bad for your hair and face. What is the Croyden Facelift, you ask? Well. It’s when you pull your hair back into a really tight ponytail, so that it “stretches” your face. It’s named after Croyden because that’s where Kate Moss is from and she does it sometimes. (Yep, that’s the reason she’s pretty! Not because she’s a model. If you undo her ponytail, her face will fall off, much like the masks from Roald Dahl’s The Witches.)

So anyway, these researchers had a slumber party and, according to the prestigious science journal that is the Daily Telegraph, “warned that the style could permanently damage the hair and scalp. They also warned that other styling accessories, from hot rollers to straightening irons and chemical relaxers, could damage hair.”

YOU DON’T SAY. You guys! Pulling your hair back really tightly so that you’re so uncomfortable that you kinda look like you had a facelift might hurt. WHAT ARE WE TO DO?

Don’t fret. There’s a small sliver of hope: if you don’t do it, you’ll be okay.