Comment of the Day: A First-Person Account of the Oprah Diaspora

LaComtesse has provided the blueprint, and now it’s up to The History Channel to come up with enough material for a two-part special:

Times were hard during the Oprah Diaspora. Entire families of 18-55 year old women would wearily move from channel to channel in their desperate search for essential resources: food that was a low-fat, low-carb alternative to more decadent edibles; shelter that was tastefully decorated with easy-to-make crafts; and Oprah’s favorite cashmere sweaters. Without the voice of a leader in the community, many went months or even years without knowing what to read, and resorted to volumes of highly addictive, toxic novels about abusive BDSM relationships. The very fabric of society, it seemed, was crumbling before them.

*voice-over*

June 23, 2011

Dearest Mother,

It has been a month now, and still no word of General Winfrey. Some of the other women fear the worst, but I endeavor tirelessly to maintain lively spirits among us all. Yet even my faith, I fear, has been shaken at its very foundation. Some others hear talk of a network dedicated entirely to Oprah, and indeed have begun the journey all the way up to the Discovery Health channel to try and find it: those quixotic souls are never heard from again. Indeed, I believe it is a fool’s errand.
Mother, you are in my thoughts day and night. I pray to our benevolent and just God that you are in Her good graces and that you can forgive my doubt.

Your,

Corporal LaComtesse

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