If you attempted to play our Presidential Debate Drinking Game for Ladies last week, you ended the 90-minute ordeal both sober and bewildered. Which is probably for the best — alcohol is bad for you and interferes with your ability to run sub-3 hour marathons or curl 25 pound dumbbells while wearing a jauntily inverted red adjustable baseball cap. For tonight's impending Vice Presidential debate, we've got a healthier, and more topical game for you — in honor of Paul Ryan's hilarious gym Glamor Shots, the first ever Vice Presidential Debate GET FUCKIN' SHREDDED workout.
The rules are the same as last time. If any of these things happen during the debate, you must perform the accompanying action. There is no I in Team but there is both an U and an I in QUIT so if U QUIT (even if, as they say in the world of P90X, it "literally kills you") then I will be very disappointed in U. So swear on your twitching, eager muscles that you'll stick with it. Give them the lactic acid bath they crave.
- Paul Ryan is going to try to start off by going on and on about how we "can't afford" another 4 years of an Obama/Biden administration. When he does this, go outside and run around the block. Once you're done, he should be done talking.
- Any mention of Ronald Reagan or trickle down economics means you put on some leg warmers, grab your Jane Fonda workout records, and do some living room aerobics. The 80's are back!
- Likewise, talk of Bill Clinton means you get to dig out your Thighmaster and try to remember the ninetiestastic moves Suzanne Sommers taught you.
- If the two men express bromantic affection for each other, find someone you love and lightly punch them in the arm. 5 reps per side. Follow that with theatrical roundhouse kicks that don't actually touch them. 5 reps per side.
- When Paul Ryan explains his budget in a way that is both truthful and makes any goddamn sense, do 5 trillion jumping jacks. You can do them in 5 sets of 1 trillion, if you prefer, or all 5 trillion at once.
- If Paul Ryan mentions his mom, do Schmaltz Situps. Lie on your back with your knees bent and your holding your heaviest photo album against your chest. Sit up like you'd do with most laying down ab exercises. When you reach the top of the situp, turn to the right and fling the photo album. Twist back and lie down again. Then get the photo album and repeat 10 times.
- Either candidate mentioning how much money you'll save with their particular plan for taxes or what have you, stand perfectly still with your feet shoulder width apart. Imagine yourself doing a reverse chin grip chinup on a bar made of diamonds you'll be able to buy with all of your savings. Hold that thought for 30 seconds, breathing slowly and deeply, maintaining good posture.
- Joe Biden saying something embarrassing means you do a wall sit for 30 seconds and film your face while you do it.
- If Rep. Ryan remarks on America being headed downhill, do what we're calling Economic Decline Pushups. Put your feet on a coffee table, hands on the ground and hold yourself up in push up position. Do as many as you can. If you can't make it all the way up at all, blame George W. Bush.
- If the moderator, ABC News' Martha Raddatz, has to rudely interrupt Ryan or Biden, do one ultimate fat blast superset of burn curls. Here's how you do those: Pick up a heavy thing, and do something very difficult with it, until you're exhausted. Actually, I just made up the ultimate fat blast superset of burn curls. I don't think that exists.
- If Biden looks like he can't go on, yell "COME ON, MAN! ONE MORE SET! DON'T WIMP OUT NOW! WINNERS NEVER QUIT AND QUITTERS NEVER WIN! BLOOD IN BLOOD OUT!" at the TV. Yell exactly this. Otherwise he won't hear you.
- If Joe Biden somehow manages to rip on Ryan's embarrassing gym photos with a pun about "heavy lifting," run up a wall and do a flip.
- When Paul Ryan discusses his record in Congress, do 10 curls with a 10 pound dumbbell. Actually, scratch that — do 2 reps with a 5 pound dumbbell, but tell everyone that you did 20 reps with a 10 pound dumbbell.
- Let's pretend we didn't learn our lesson from the last debate: if either candidate talks about women's issues — ANY SPECIFIC WOMEN'S ISSUE AT ALL — then gleefully hoist your couch over your head in celebration.
- If you get bored, do what we call the Mexican Ab Buster. Find your nearest kitchen cabinet. Obtain chips. Make nachos. Eat. Do as many sets as you can.
Or, if you don't feel like exercising, just drink every time you find yourself fantasizing about that glorious time one month from today when the election will be over.
Happy shredding, gymrats!
Image by Jim Cooke