Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez heads to the newsstand and picks up the very latest issues of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. Our goal? To guzzle gossip and determine which celebrity weekly is the most satisfying and thirst-quenching. This week, we go deep inside her ladyparts for an Unsolicited Uterus Update about Tori Spelling; a palace insider is leaking private information about Prince William and Duchess Shinylocks; and Chris Brown and Rihanna might elope.
"Pregnant & Alone"
Not to be confused with her sisters, "Single Parent and Alone" and "Trying for Babies and Alone," Kim Kardashian has been christened "Pregnant and Alone." Apparently Kim's "baby cravings" have led to one being inside her belly. The not-knocked-up Kim is fearful of a hypothetical break-up while hypothetically being pregnant. To be clear: If Kim were pregnant, she would be afraid of being alone, but she's not, so she isn't. And a "friend" reminds us that she's freakin' rich and will be better off than the average single mom, so no worries. Moving on. Ashlee Simpson's inability to sympathize with Jessica's weight-loss troubles is causing the pair to fight like, well, sisters. Ash thinks Jessica brought it on herself, and Jessica thinks Ash is just jealous of the attention that she's getting. Take a time out, ladies. Robsten2.0 are rumored to be seeking individual and couples counseling, but now Kristen wants them to see a "Love Doctor" to help them connect in the bedroom. Paging Dr. Ruth! Minka Kelly and Chris Evans are apparently in love because they kissed and ordered tacos. And nothing says true love like a paper bag full of tacos. Next, celebrities make poor choices in fashion and in body art, with Katie Holmes dressing in man repellent (Fig. 1) and celebrity tattoo blunders (Fig. 2). Teen Mom's Maci Bookout's son, Bentley Edwards, apparently likes watching country folk roll around in mud and bargain shop in dumpsters on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and the mag assumes that this foreshadows a future romance between the four year old tyke and the seven year old Pageantista. Finally, the drop in the unemployment rate might be because Giuliana Rancic wants to have more babies, and might be looking for one, two or maybe three wombs to rent.
Grade: F (mouthful of sand)
Life & Style
"Devastated Kate: A Spy In The Palace"
Since this is the Beauty Awards 2012, there's not a lot of real celebrity news; a whopping 15 pages are dedicated to pretty things like lipsticks and boots, and the rest to baseless rumors. This week, in a real-life royal whodunit, Kate and Wills are trying to figure out who is leaking private information regarding their secret getaways to the press, even eyeing chefs, maids and of course, the butler! Dun, dun, dunnnnn! Jessica Simpson wants a ton of babies, and she wants them now! She is losing weight so that she can get knocked up again, and show that she is capable of remaining trim while pregnant, and bouncing back immediately afterwards, in round two. Meanwhile, we learn that Jessica Biel "tamed" Justin Timberlake by just ceasing to give a single solitary fuck anymore, and using their breakup as a chance to ride on cute guys' motorcycles and read poetry. Angelina Jolie hasn't broken out her wedding scrapbook or picked any bridesmaids dresses, making her a horrible fiancé to poor ol' Brad who only wants to hear "you may kiss the bride". And last, Katie Holmes is holding it down as a single mother, balancing a play, a fashion line and a child, because she wants to set a good example for her daughter, Suri, and show that she doesn't need the $33,333 a month in child support that she gets from Tom.
Grade: D (cup of crackers)
"Teresa's Husband Hits On Melissa"
Was this issue edited by out-of-work Jerry Springer producers? First the mag pits Teresa Giudice against her sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga, claiming that Teresa's husband, Joe has hit on the younger, more orange housewife. In his defense, even the mag seems hard-pressed to tell the two apart, having to differentiate between the pair-who are both married to men named Joe-based on the size of their breasts, homes and asses. The face-offs only get worse: Dueling divas Mariah Carey and Nikki Minaj are pitted against each other to see who has the most outrageous demands, with Nikki being colored as a "gangster" diva who won't go anywhere without her wig stylist and Mariah as the uber diva who requires two assistants to lower her seat at awards ceremonies. Bitch stole my life! Kim Kardashian is jealous of Reggie Bush's pregnant, Kim-look-alike girlfriend and hates that they are talking marriage when she has to wait until her rebound marriage is fully dissolved. Even toddlers aren't safe from the instigators, as the mag suggests that Sarah Jessica Parker's twins are fighting for the attention of a little boy here (Fig. 3). Next up: T.I. and Tiny are heralded as hip hop's Huxtables, complete with pictures of T.I. wearing a bright-ass Cosby sweater and dog tags in a family photo (Fig. 4). And finally, as salve to our eyes after reading this trash, here's David Beckham frolicking through the grass in his undies (Fig. 5).
Grade: D+ (vat of vermouth)
"We Almost Didn't Make It"
If you want to read a story that uses the phrase "the bleeds" over and over again, by all means, pick up this issue and learn all about Tori Spelling's condition, placenta previa, in which the placenta covers the cervix. Donna had to be on bed rest for four months and had nine "massive bleeds" before her son Finn was born, and after he was delivered, her C-section scar exploded and she had to go back to the hospital for emergency surgery. Good times. This terrifying story is accompanied by adorable soft-focus family shots. Fun. Also inside: Apparently TVGuide.com published a story about the sad, untimely death of Sahara Davenport by using a picture of Sheree Whitfeld. WTF. (Fig. 6) Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied have temporarily moved to Texas, where she's shooting a movie, so if you live in Austin, keep an eye out. Ben from The Bachelor and that chick Courtney Robertson are officially broken up; the $85,000 ring goes back to the network? Apparently? Sources say the Nicki Minaj/Mariah Carey feud is "real." Finally, if you're putting a Halloween costume together, why not try Honey Boo Boo or Psy? (Fig. 7)
Grade: B- (glass of gin)
"Two Timing Taylor!"
Inside, the headline is "Taylor Swift: Kissing Cousins." As discussed this morning, TSwizzle is accused of making out with Patrick Swarzenegger at a party she attended with boyfriend Conor Kennedy. Conor's mom committed suicide in May, so he is still grieving, and the Kennedys want Tay to stay away. Also inside: Amy Poehler has been drinking a lot ever since news of her divorce broke; a source says she is about to "tumble down the slippery slope of booze," which almost sounds fun. Kris Jenner wants to manage Honey Boo Boo, because Kris Jenner is crafty and her pupils are in the shape of dollar signs. Jonah Hill is willing to spend $10 million on a yacht if it means Leonardo DiCaprio will hang out with him. Kate Hudson is annoyed with bossypants Lea Michele giving her pointers and direction on the set of Glee. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have "bomshell" divorce papers that don't mention Scientology, give Katie $400,000 a year in child support — no spousal support. Weird detail? Tom's email address is 1makdaddy@somethingtheydidn'tprint.com. One mack daddy. In Chris Brown and Rihanna news, a source says: "No one close to them would be a bit shocked if they suddenly eloped." Sadface. They are both "partying nonstop" and "can't stay away from each other." Ever since RiRi's grandmother Dolly died, RiRi has been "following her heart" and keeping in touch with Chris, since Dolly "always loved him." Bah. Moving on. Ashton Kutcher called Demi Moore and asked if she would give her blessing and for him to marry Mila Kunis; he thought it would be a Kabbalah healing positive energy thing, but instead, Demi had a meltdown and wouldn't stop crying. She eats nothing but three oranges a day and is a total mess. Meanwhile, there's two-page spread on stars who are "Wasting Away." Fiona Apple is "looking skeletal." Winona Ryder has "whittled away to nothing." And Michael Bublé is "bony." Never forget that this is the magazine that prints a "best and worst beach bodies" issue at least twice a year. Last, but not least: "Bad Hair Day" switches the hairdos of celebrity couples, for hilariousness. Of course Beyoncé still looks amaze. (Fig. 8)
Grade: B (jug of juice)