Women! Did you know that we're allowed to vote now, without our husbands' permission? That means we should probably be paying attention to political debates, even though they sometimes make us want to gently feed ourselves to a woodchipper that's pH balanced for a man and made just for us. But fear not, politically-minded but bullshit-fatigued women, help-ahol is on the way — we've put together the definitive Presidential Debate drinking game FOR LADIES. Are you ready to play?
Yes, we realize that there are dozens and dozens and dozens of smart mouthed DRINK WHEN MITT ROMNEY SAYS 'I LOVE AMERICA' games, but fuck those. This one is the one that you should be playing, because you are a lady voter, and lady voters act in concert with each other.
The rules are as follows: do exactly what is written. If you don't, within a year, everything that was supposed to happen to you because you didn't forward that good luck chain email back in 1997 WILL HAPPEN. Got that? Okay.
- If either candidate mentions equal pay, take 77% of a shot.
- If Mitt Romney laughs in that unsettling way of his, sober up immediately.
- When either candidate mentions "moms," send a drunken text to your own mother thanking her for everything she's done for you or denouncing how much she messed you up. Either way, cry.
- Take your birth control pill and wash it down with a swig of beer at mention of Planned Parenthood.
- Any talk of "kitchen tables"? Take a big drink, and then bang your head on your kitchen table.
- If Barack Obama mentions college debt, find your latest Sallie Mae statement, light it on fire, drop it into a glass of whisky, and chug it. You just invented The Flaming Crippling Debt!
- If Romney brings up mandating that employers provide mothers with paid maternity leave, drink an entire flute of champagne and spit it out in surprise and shock.
- When talk of women's health is accompanied by correct anatomical terms for parts of women being discussed (uterus, cervix, breast, etc.), insert a vodka-soaked tampon into your "down there hole."
- Barack Obama saying the name "Lily Ledbetter" mandates that you drink an entire beer and then sing a very dramatic rendition of Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter" to your cat and/or dog and/or significant other. Do your best to accurately represent Eddie Vedder.
- Any mention of abortion, drink and then spin around and around in rhetorical circles until you barf.
- Use of the word "transvaginal" by Governor Romney or President Obama means you've gotta butt chug the rest of your drink.
- Candidates love to use debates as an opportunity to tell stories about random old ladies they've met. So, when either of them mentions a random old lady facing various hardships in Ohio or Florida or whatever, take a direct-from-the-bottle swig of your oldest old lady liquor. Suggestions: sherry. Creme de menthe. Be creative!
- Any time same sex marriage is mentioned, take a body shot off of a friend of the same sex.
- If Mitt Romney mentions military members, drink for as many seconds as Mitt Romney got religious-missionary related deferrals from serving in Vietnam (you should drink for four seconds).
- Talk of Don't Ask, Don't Tell means steal $20 from your roommate's wallet and use it to buy your roommate a decent mid-priced bottle of wine. Leave it near her bedroom with a note that reads "FROM YOUR SECRET ADMIRER."
- First name mention of either candidate's wife means you have to take a drink of a liquor with a first name. Jim, Jose, or Jack. Your pick.
- The phrase "War on Women" means you have to play a game of beer pong with yourself. No matter what, you win. Also, you lose.
- If a candidate mentions the Violence Against Women Act's delayed renewal, fall asleep in front of the TV and wake up confused on your couch at 3 am with a pounding headache.