Victoria's Secret Store to Open at Cowboys Stadium and No One Can Explain Why

Everyone knows that there’s nothing drunken football fans like more than a great deal on panties. So, naturally, it makes perfect sense that Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is opening a Victoria’s Secret PINK store in his billion-dollar Cowboys Stadium complex. Okay, har har, football and underpanties are not the same! Because dudes vs. ladies! Har! But my favorite thing about this story is the hilarious reporting on it—which all seems to be regurgitated from the same incomprehensible press release.

Take it away, USA Today! Hork!

Victoria’s Secret store to open at NFL stadium

Okay, I’m totally with you so far.

Jerry Jones has been known to push the envelope, particularly with his $1.2 billion football stadium.

Can’t wait to hear about all the envelopes this Jerry character has pushed! Sounds interesting!

The Dallas Cowboys owner is making another bold move, opening a Victoria’s Secret PINK store for Monday’s game vs. the Chicago Bears at Cowboys Stadium.

Wait…is he opening the store just for Monday’s Bears game? And then he’s going to close it again? Real question. I’m confused.

Really? Victoria’s Secret? Football? Hot dogs? Beer?

Are you…asking me? Because I don’t know how to answer the question “Hot dogs.”

This crazy news is awesome on so many levels.

I cannot wait for you to explain all of the levels of crazy awesomeness! Is it going to be in the same paragraph as the envelope-pushing? What I’m really looking for is a little more information about how Jerry Jones made this decision. Any words from the big guy himself?

“We think it’s cute as a bug and very in place to show it and sell it out there,” Jones said Friday on KRLD-FM.

We think…it’s cute as a bug…and very…in place…to show it…and sell it out there. WE THINK IT’S CUTE AS A BUG AND VERY IN PLACE TO SHOW IT AND SELL IT OUT THERE. Any follow-up on that? No? Just going to leave that there like it’s English? OKEY DOKE.

Obviously, this is groundbreaking. This is the first underwear store to open at a professional sports stadium or venue. Or so we think.

Obviously. We think. Instead of thinking, what about researching? Did a Magic 8 Ball write this article? Tell me an information, bro!

Well, there’s a reason the Cowboys were recently named the NFL’s most valuable team for the sixth consecutive year by Forbes magazine.

What’s the reason? Why? What? Who? Does the reason have something to do with panties? Is it cute as a bug? How is this relevant? I know it is technically a sentence and it technically has something to do with the Dallas Cowboys and technically you appear to have looked something up, but WHAT IS GOING ON? This is actually sucking information out of my brain. Who’s the president? What does my mother’s voice sound like?

The Cowboys will have a ceremonial ribbon-cutting event that will take place a few hours before Monday’s kickoff.

And of course the benefit of an underwear store event: models.

Yes, everyone I know is always going to those very common “underwear store events.” Because models.

Victoria’s Secret models Elsa Hosk and Jessica Hart will be in attendance, along with Jones’ daughter, the Cowboys’ executive VP for brand management.

The Cowboys Stadium store, which will be located on the main concourse club area above Entry A.

That was its OWN PARAGRAPH.

The Cowboys are promoting Victoria’s Secret PINK as a “fully articulated lifestyle collection for young women that include bras, panties, loungewear and sleepwear.” And don’t worry, there will be merchandise that features the Cowboys’ name and star logo.

Wasn’t worried! But k!

Now, it’s one thing to sit in a meeting and pitch an idea for a giant video screen in the middle of the field. But who suggests a Victoria Secret in Cowboys Stadium as an idea? Kudos to whoever did.

Yoooou aaaaaare theeee repooorteeeeeer. Who suggested it? Who did it? Also, who suggested a giant video screen in the middle of the field!? Board President Wile E. Coyote?

Lastly, will Cowboys’ cheerleaders be involved with the ribbon-cutting event?

OH MY GOD, I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know! Stop interrogating me! I don’t know anything anymore. Zzzzzzzzz fart.