In a surprising twist, female Editors-in-Chief make less money than their male counterparts — about $15,000 less. I know, you're so shocked you just threw up on your petticoat or ate ice cream from the container or whatever it is women do when they're mad. Myself, I'm contemplating becoming hysterical and breaking plates until I can be calmed down via masturbation administered by a doctor. Yeah, probably that, because this shit is infuriating.
Actually, it doesn't even feel like anger so much at this point, just weary resignation mixed with boredom. How do we put a stop to this, world? I want to work for more than pennies on the dollar one day, what do I need to do? Be born with a penis? Ugh, this all goes back to my parents being inadequate at everything.
I know some people (men) might argue that women write about mascara and braids while men write about HARD SCIENCE and CORPORATE ESPIONAGE, and some things are worth more than others, but we all know that's bullshit because 1) it's not true and therefore bullshit and 2) mascara and braids are super fun, the best, worth a million bucks. And please, no, do not play the Anna Wintour card on this one, one power player doesn't make up for the indiscretions of an entire industry.
To illustrate the extent to this injustice, here's a list of the top five things you can do with $15,000:
1. Buy 14 years worth of groceries from 7/11 (or ten days from Whole Foods)
2. Travel the world is search of Mypos and/or St. Olaf
3. Buy 15,000 bags of off-brand potato chips
4. Almost have enough money for an unlocked iPhone 5 with no contract
5. Send your kid to college for a year, pay medical bills, buy life-sustaining groceries, donate, invest, you know, whatever it is men can afford to do.