There are few things more embarrassing than being asked to hold someone else's baby only to have that baby immediately explode into hysterics. Chalk it up to the widely accepted notion that small children — like dogs and horses and Jedi — somehow possess an extrasensory level of bullshit detection lost to normal adult humans; the sort of person who is universally unpalatable to babies is the sort of person who might be soul-impoverished. So it's with a heart heavy with schadenfreude that I report to you that the GOP's Presidential nominee has met several of America's babies, and the verdict is in: Mitt Romney will not be winning the Baby Vote. But what does it all mean?
This baby, who met Mitt Romney at a rally in Kirkwood, Missouri in March, reacted to the Governor with incredulity. Note the baby's attempt to recoil from the governor. Perhaps he has a spray tan allergy.
Three months later, in Orlando, Florida, another baby struggles to distance herself from Romney. That baby is a mooch that thinks she's entitled to food, health care, and shelter, and will never be convinced to vote for Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney's job is not to worry about that baby. Moving on!
Twins in matching America tutus! How cute! The baby on the left seems to be spacing out, but the one on the right looks a little worried about the future of Medicare. Though I'm no body language expert.
But not all babies expressed their opinions of Mitt by struggling to get away or appearing upset. Some just straight up shrieked, like the inconsolable Virginia infant pictured here. Stranger danger!
Chandler, Arizona boasts a city seal that looks an awful lot like an Obama campaign logo. Chandler is also the site of this very unhappy encounter between a screaming baby and the former Governor of Massachusetts, who for some reason is holding him up like baby Simba.
Meanwhile, in Florida's panhandle, the foundations for a baby's future therapy are lain, as an old man restrains the visibly unhappy child as the child's loved ones laugh and laugh.
This Pueblo, Colorado baby doesn't seem particularly upset by Mitt Romney, but that's probably because that baby is a racist. See the baby's button? Dump Obama, where Obama is in a toilet like a poop? Racism. That baby's parents are jerks.
Tangent: there are no pictures on any photo services that we use of Mitt Romney with a nonwhite baby. Can you find one?
Sure, you might say, it's easy to cherry pick pictures of babies looking unhappy on the campaign trail — after all, candidates who hope to successfully handle small children in a loud, strange environment are already kind of behind the 8-ball. But Romney's encounters with babies are markedly more hostile than the President's. And nothing came close to this.