Smuggling Cocaine in Your Weave Is the Awesomest Terrible Idea Ever

There’s a new front in the drug war: the female scalp. Yes, intrepid ladies are now sneaking yayo into the country under their weaves … and they woulda gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for that stinkin’ customs patdown.

According to the New York Post, the two women were apprehended when trying to enter the US after flying here from Guyana. Officials’ suspicion was piqued when the pair started acting erratic and nervous as the plane arrived at JFK Airport, thus violating the number one rule of smuggling things into places: BE COOL.

But these women weren’t just stashing small amounts of drugs on their person; both women had about a kilo of blow stored in plastic bags that were hidden against their scalp and then covered by weaves. They’ve been since arrested and are facing federal charges (and, I’d imagine, some gnarly neck pain).

This can’t be the first time this has happened, because drug smuggling is like internet porn — if you can dream it, chances are someone has already done it. Someone, somewhere (probably several someones in several somewheres) has been stashing baggies of cocaine in elaborate hairstyles and flown to and fro with them, and no one was the wiser. The last time I flew, a TSA official gave my bun a pat down, and now I understand why: I could easily have been hiding some meth up there. I should have been smuggling meth around this whole time! I coulda made a fortune!

Creativity like this makes me realize that it’s even more imperative that we legalize drugs, and soon. As it stands now, 36% of global creativity is used to come up with novel ways to smuggle contraban into the country. Imagine what these people would be capable of if they only had engineering degrees! Nothing would have cords! “Input” buttons would disappear from remote controls. New buildings would have static resistant twisty slides installed so people trying to get to the ground floor don’t have to wait for an elevator. And hair weaves would double as comfortable pillows rather than drug submarines.