A Michigan town is warming the heart-cockles of light news readers everywhere today, as the citizenry of Saginaw rally around a 16-year-old girl who was voted to homecoming court as a joke by the dick salad that is her high school student body. "It's like Carrie, but with a happy ending!" says the Detroit News. Like hell it's the end.
In case you missed it, earlier this month, 16-year-old sophomore Whitney Kropp found out that she was her sophomore class's selection to homecoming court. At first, she was surprised, because she was operating under the assumption that she was fairly unpopular/often ignored by her cartoonish Heathers classmates who apparently sprung fully formed from the head of John Hughes. When her male counterpart withdrew his name from the running, she realized what had happened: Ogemaw Heights High's ingenius students had voted her to court as a joke. A hilarious, original, cutting edge joke that will live in a precious little nook of their teen brains for years to come. Isn't it hilarious when poor people are disappointed? Bullying's just great. (Side note: not only was it a stupid, unoriginal prank, it was a stupid, unoriginal prank stolen from a story-turned-movie wherein the people who play the bullies end up being burned to death by fire that the girl they bullied can start with her mind. This isn't a thing you want to imitate on so many levels! WHY AREN'T AMERICA'S TEENS HEEDING THE WARNINGS OF CARRIE?!) From the Detroit News:
Kropp heard that other classrooms had laughed when her name was announced. And then Josh Awrey, a popular football player, quickly withdrew as the other sophomore rep.
Despite all that, she was still excited.
"In the Homecoming Court! :)" she wrote on her Facebook page. "Little nervous but this is going to be fun :D"
"Probably not with Josh though," wrote back a sophomore girl.
"He couldnt do it cause of football plus he never goes to homecoming," said Kropp.
"That's not what he told everybody," said the girl.
"what did he say?" asked Kropp.
The other girl didn't respond.
"Oh. Well it don't matter to me anyways," Kropp wrote four minutes later. "I thought it would be awkward anyways."
That night, Kropp's mom found her crying in her bedroom. She no longer wanted to do it.
Townsfolk caught wind of what had happened to Whitney and banded together to give her the Homecoming dance of her dreams — an elderly woman offered to be her escort to the dance, hundreds of residents will don her favorite color (orange) when Whitney's announced as the sophomore class's representative on homecoming court at halftime of the homecoming game, and local businesses donated manicures, hairstyling sessions, and even a gown and tiara.
Josh, for his part, is acting like he isn't kind of a jerk by writing on Facebook, "Im sick of everyone blaming me. I had nothing to do with this," he wrote. "I think what they (students) did is rlly rude and immature." Nice backpedaling there, Lance Armstrong.
And so that's where the story ends. Let's hug. The bullies got humiliated (including Josh Awrey, the sophomore football player/human skid mark who was all "Ew! Gross, I have to stand by a non-Hot!" Hope you never Google yourself ever, Josh Awrey!), the town banded together, and Whitney got a nice dress and a mani-pedi.
But for Chrissake, American teens, if you're going to be jerks (you are) then don't imitate horror movies where things end badly for the jerks. That's just bad rip-off artistry. Whitney may not have a Carrie moment, but she can feel good about the fact that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, students at Ogemaw Heights High will likely perish first after doing something stupid like hiding in the basement or trying to hug the zombies.